From: Kennard
To: Kevin (September 15th

Hey, I've got a great idea for the "Back" theme we've got going in this issue! I'm going to write something about BabyBACK Ribs! Get it!

From: Kevin
To: Kennard (October 16th)

So... where's that Babyback Ribs article I was promised? It's fine with me. You just have to actually write it.

From: Kennard
To: Kevin (October 16th)

Sorry, I am checking into the hospital for a little while and I won't be able to get to it. Maybe you can find someone else to do it?

From: Kevin
To: Jeff (October 17th)

Hey, Jeff. Listen, Kennard was going to write something about Babyback Ribs for the new issue of The Drum and now he can't. Unfortunately, Liesje has already laid out the cover and I'm committed. I don't care what it is as long as it has something to do with ribs. Can you help me out?

From: Jeff
To: Kevin (October 18th)

No problem. I hammered this out in about an hour last night. Let me know what you think!

A Brief and Definitive History of Baby Back Ribs

For the sake of simplification, the colloquialism “Ribs” will be referred to as the thorax of an ungulate (most likely swine) exposed to high temperatures and marinated for human consumption. The long and storied history of Baby Back Ribs begins with the common pig. One of the first mammals to be domesticated by early humans, and a member of the Chinese Zodiac, pigs have long supplied abundant joules of energy, fueling humanity ever forward into the future. Some even claim that without an increase in high calorie foods such as pork, the industrial revolution would have never taken place. After all, a successful civilization has yet to be built on carrots.

Surely, when discussing Ribs, the antediluvian subject of Barbecuing is not far behind. The term “Barbecue” itself is shrouded in mystery, conjuring cabalistic and eldritch images to the mind. Even the Etymology of “Barbeque” or the more arcane spelling “BBQ” is subject of intense scholarly debate. Some claim it comes from the Taíno word “Barabicu” which means “Sacred Fire Pit”. While most of the Barbeque community would agree the origins are decidedly Caribbean, disputes from The French and even The Australians further exacerbate discourse on this subject, as they claim to have invented it themselves.

By the end of the 20^th Century, the popularity Baby Back Ribs reached staggering heights thanks to American Restraunteur Chili’s ad Jingle “I Want My Baby Back Ribs (With Barbeque Sauce)”. Due to powerful market forces this overly quoted song made its way into American Cinema, as featured in the film “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)”. The song was mimicked by populist comedian personality Mike Myers playing a character known as “The Fat Bastard”. This character was highly popular amongst high school students, especially in districts with low to middling standardized test scores. Despite this, Baby Back Ribs are still succulent, and satisfying. With spices to whet anyone’s appetite、delicious Baby Back Ribs are enjoyed on a daily basis by thousands of people all over the world. Unfortunately, Japan is not one of those places. Sorry!

From: Kevin

To: Jeff (October 20th)

Looks great! Thanks for the help!

From: Kevin

To: Liesje (October 20th)

Hey, this Ribs article isn't the slightest bit amusing or funny, so just bury it in the back of the magazine. The only reason I'm even publishing it is so we don't have to change the cover.

From: Kennard

To: Kevin (October 20th)

Hey, I got out of the hospital earlier than expected so I went ahead and wrote that Babyback Ribs article. Let me know what you think!

Traditional New Guinea Baby Back Ribs

Tired of the various pastas, hamburgers, or other default foods that you make at home? Well, to break the monotony, I’ll suggest a scrumptious recipe for baby back ribs from New Guinea using contemporary quick fixes and how to properly prepare and cook them.

Ingredients:

2lbs. baby back ribs

1 med. Acorn squash (1lb)

2 (18 oz.) jars baked beans

¼ c. ketchup

3 tbsp. maple syrup

2 tbsp. prepared mustard

Preparation:

Cut rack of ribs into 2 rib portions. In large skillet, heat ribs, covered with water, on high heat until boiling. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 40 minutes. Meanwhile, cut acorn squash into ¾” wedges. Drain ribs. Into same skillet, stir in baked beans, ketchup, syrup and mustard. Add ribs and squash wedges. Heat to boiling; reduce to low, cover and simmer until ribs and squash are fork tender, about 20 minutes. Stir occasionally. Makes 4 servings.

This looks like a simple and easy-to-do recipe and indeed is, however the receivers’ of this tasty meal, to keep New Guinea’s Fore tribe’s authenticity, is quite limited. First of all, the baby has to be female if you are to eat the ribs. Secondly, the only people traditionally allowed to eat the baby are: the sister, the brother’s wife, the mother’s brother’s wife, the sister’s son’s wife, and the baby’s female matrilateral cousin.

And so it goes if you wish to maintain Fore authenticity. It seems like there’s always that polite tape you just can’t seem to cross, and when you’d rather not I guess there’s always a McDonald’s nearby.

From: Liesje
To: Kevin (October 23rd)

Are you kidding? This isn't any better than Jeff's article. Not to mention the fact that we'll be offending who-knows-how-many people by even alluding to eating human children. Are you sure you want to publish this piece of crap? It'll take a little work, but I can change the cover.

From: Kevin
To: Liesje (October 23rd)

Yeah, you're right. Go ahead and change the cover. There's no way I'm putting either of these in The Drum. Even MAJET members don't deserve this.