Bullet Points

Bullet Points

Comic Book Review

The alternate reality tales of DC and Marvel, under the umbrella titles of Elseworlds and What If…? respectively, are such a cool idea that, even though their hit-to-miss ratio is not particularly good, I have always been inexorably drawn to them. I just can’t help but want to know what it would have been like if Superman had grown up in Soviet Russia or how the Marvel universe would have been altered if Wolverine had become the lord of the vampires. On the other hand, the Fantastic Four developing in soviet Russia and Batman becoming lord of the vampires were considerably less compelling stories, but I figured they were worth a shot. So, when the new series Bullet Points promised to take a serious look at how a small change in history could have affected the whole world, I sat up and took notice, not realizing that it wouldn’t be a re-imagining so much as a reshuffling.

While not technically a What If…? book, Bullet Points nonetheless can be summed up in one of their traditional titles: “What If There Had Been No Captain America?" In the original continuity, the doctor who developed the super soldier serum responsible for turning scrawny Steve Rogers into the Sentinel of Liberty (is it obvious I’ve read a lot of comics?) is gunned down only moments after the transformation has been completed, taking the secret of the serum to the grave with him. Writer J. Michael Straczynski (of whom I am normally a fan) posits that, if said scientist had been killed just 24 hours earlier then the world would have turned out quite differently, and I’m sure he’s right. Rogers never would have become Captain America, and that would have surely lead to any number of events playing out completely differently, especially when you consider what an effect Cap had on the Avengers later on.

But the problem is that we don’t see characters who would have become super heroes leading a normal life instead, or totally new people picking up the mantle in their place, or whole new heroes coming into being to fill the void. Instead, everyone just swaps places. Since he can’t be Captain America, Steve Rogers becomes Iron Man (in a suit that, despite having not been designed by Tony Stark, nonetheless looks exactly like the one designed by Tony Stark). When the aforementioned scientist is gunned down, Peter Parker’s uncle Ben is also killed by the bullet, leaving him to grow up without that influence. So he doesn’t become Spider-Man, he becomes… the Hulk? Yes, everyone just trades off. Reed Richards takes Nick Fury’s place, Bruce Banner becomes Spider-Man (again in the exact same costume, even though Peter had nothing to do with it), Stephen Strange becomes Wolverine (or not, because later we see that Wolverine is Wolverine and Strange is really only mentioned in one page, making it completely pointless in addition to being a dumb idea) and all the other characters stay exactly the same because we just couldn’t be bothered to deal with them. In the end Galactus shows up and the only vaguely interesting point on the five issue series ensues when a world with no Fantastic Four must find a way to stop their planet from being devoured. Good old Galactus. You can always count on him to spruce up a sagging storyline.

While this could all be considered kind of a cute idea, the fact that it spanned well over 100 pages makes it drag badly, and helps to highlight the ridiculousness of it all. Perhaps if it had been condensed into a single issue, the rapid pace would have served to alleviate some of my eye-rolling. Maybe they could have done it as, oh, I don’t know, an issue of What If…??

Suitable for kids?: Yeah, sure, but I’m not sure the art will appeal to them. Or, you know, the story either.

Rating: 2/5

Speed Racer

Speed Racer

Comic Book Review

Just to get this out in the open, I was never really a fan of Speed Racer. Even as a little kid the cartoon seemed shrill and stupid and boring to me. I tried to get into it a little later on when I started discovering Japanese animation, thinking that I might have a new perspective, but it still just came across as annoying. And yet, it falls into this odd category of things that I kind of feel like I should be a fan of, because the people out there who populate the Speed Racer fan community tend to share a lot of other interests with me. It’s a show that gets mentioned a lot whenever people of my generation talk fondly of the TV from their childhood and I've always had the feeling that I was missing out on something. It's just that the something is not Speed Racer but an ability to enjoy it.

So, when I saw that the Wachowski brothers were making a fancy, new movie based on the franchise, and the rumors of a new cartoon began circulating, I actually got excited despite the fact that I am far from being a fan. Perhaps they would put some kind of new spin on it or an updating that would allow me to get a foothold and finally connect with this elusive series that, despite being completely idiotic, has managed to haunt me my whole life. And then, to make things even better, I learned that IDW was releasing a new Speed Racer comic book. What could be better? The bad dubbing and non-existent lip-synching wouldn’t be an issue anymore! And I had read the company’s take on Transformers (a cartoon I thoroughly enjoyed as a child) and, although not a big fan of the art (and this still holds true for the Speed Racer book), I really enjoyed it. So, this seemed like maybe it would work out.

Unfortunately I found myself, like always, wondering just why, exactly, anyone enjoys this thing. Writer Arie Kaplan is obviously a big fan of the old cartoon because he manages to write the dialogue in the exact same manner. In other words, it’s awful. At one point Speed's mother points out that Racer X's shoelace is untied (the untied shoe often being a big plot point in great fiction), leading to the line, “It’s funny. My son Rex used to always leave his shoes untied. You sort of remind me of… Naahhhh, it can’t be!” This is not meant to be ironic. She is not kidding. This is what passes for drama in this book.

So, okay, it’s meant to be just like the old cartoon and is aimed squarely at the long-time fans. Maybe it’s just not for me. But then, there’s actually an effort made to add more depth to the story by introducing the fact that our hero is just the latest in a long line of Racers going back throughout history. And there’s a magic amulet! Actually, just half of one. Where’s the other half? The invisible, immortal villain has it! And the only way to learn about him is to read the stories of the different Racers, starting with the chariot driving one. What?!?! A long line of Racers holding half of an amulet? Haven't I seen this somewhere else? Does the amulet have "BFF" written on it and the other half is being held by Speed's long lost twin (played, of course, by Jean-Claude Van Damme)? The whole thing is so ridiculous that it could actually be quite amusing if it were meant as a joke. But it isn't. Which still blows my mind.

So, once again I found myself experiencing Speed Racer and just thinking it was dumb and annoying and wondering why anyone thinks it’s enjoyable. The only upside here being that you can read the comic in less time than it takes to watch an episode of the show, and it never shouts the dialogue at you. Hey, I guess it is an improvement.

Suitable for kids?: There’s nothing in here that you wouldn’t want your kids to see, but really nothing you would want them to see, either.

Rating:2/5

Spectacular Spider-Man

The Spectacular Spider-Man Animated Series

TV Show Review

Good ol’ Spidey has been on the tube more than once before with mostly positive results. The classic series, Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends, and the 90s version all hold fond memories for me, and probably a lot of other people too. The live action series and that weird, motion capture, creepy looking, MTV cartoon on the other hand were less successful. And that's not even getting into the really odd and really bad stuff out there. But, overall, he's had a pretty good run of it, and with the success of the movies it makes sense to launch a new cartoon now. The question then has to be: which version of Spider-Man is this? Will it follow the continuity of the comic books (And if so, will it be the regular Marvel universe or the Ultimate one?) the movies, or something entirely new? Personally, I’m not one of those purists who complain whenever anything deviates from how it happened in the comics. All that matters is that they do something good and interesting.

That being said, I was actually pretty pleased to see that the creators chose to follow the comics. With a series, you have a little more time to maneuver, so some of the plot points that had to be excised from the story in order to keep the movies from reaching ridiculous runtimes can be put back in. This includes Gwen Stacy and Harry Osborn as friends of Peter’s, as well as the old-school (and now new-school) web-shooters as opposed to the organic versions. It also means that Norman and Harry Osborn look more like their comic versions, which was especially nice to see. The first episode picks up with Spider-Man at the end of his initial summer in costume fighting run-of-the-mill criminals and relates his first encounter with an actual super-villain. Skipping the origin story was probably a good idea since anyone interested enough to watch the show is pretty likely to already know how he got his powers. There were a lot of indications as to what villains may be coming up in this episode as well. Perhaps too many, to be honest. Within thirty minutes we were introduced to the Green Goblin, Sandman, Hammerhead, the Enforcers, the Lizard, Venom, and the Vulture, or at least the characters that will eventually become them. That’s an awful lot for one short story and it felt a bit cramped, but by the second episode they had fallen back on the tried and true villain-of-the-week formula and everything seemed to have settled down.

Overall, I rather enjoyed these two episodes once the generally awful theme song was over (it's not catchy until the very end and is just a little too hipster for me). The redesigns for the Vulture and the Enforcers were nice, while Electro was all right (his weird energy tubes are unnecessary and look like someone was trying to pimp their super-villain). The animation is surprisingly active and fluid in an age obsessed with aping the anime style, and for the most part the character designs were very clean-cut and looked good. The one, very unfortunate, exception to this being Peter Parker himself. In a cartoon featuring a few characters with large, lifeless eyes, his were the most lifeless, and the weird notch in his nose was distracting throughout the show. Pretty much every other character in the show looked fine, and the friendly, rounded design they made for Spider-Man works really well, even if his web-swinging occasionally makes no sense with regards to movement through a three dimensional space. There may have been no mention of Peter ever running out of web fluid (leaving one to wonder why they bothered to confuse a whole generation of kids who are trying to figure out what those weird bracelets Peter’s wearing are all about), and I’m not sure what they plan to do with Gwen Stacy (meaning they can’t kill her on a kid’s show, so why not just put Mary Jane in there instead?) but as a long-time fan of the comics I appreciate these points and am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt after this debut. The show will be written in arcs of four episodes each, with just a small amount of continuity connecting them, allowing for certain villains to be built up over time instead of simply given the single episode treatment. All in all, the whole thing is pretty promising.

But seriously, Eddie Brock as a friend of Peter’s? That’s totally not what happened in the comic books.

Suitable for kids?: Absolutely. Good wholesome fun for the whole family.

Rating: 4/5

Spider-Man: One More Day

Spider-Man: One More Day

Comic Book Review

The writers handling Spider-Man, Superman, Batman, and other long-time comic book heroes that have become part of popular culture face a pretty daunting challenge: to keep the books fresh and moving forward, while also keeping those characters relatively unchanged so that new readers can identify them with what they have heard of or seen in movies. This has to be tough because, how do you allow a character to grow and change in order to remain relevant and interesting, while also making sure that they are still the person people remember from the cartoons they saw when they were a kid? Well, one of the tried and true tricks of the trade (There’s some carefully constructed, comic book-like alliteration for you!) is the reboot. This is where you allow a character to go through any number of changes over the course of months or years, and then use some device to set everything back to the way it was. Usually it comes off as hackneyed as it sounds and leaves the readers feeling cheated now that all the books they’ve bought, read, and collected for however long no longer matter or even really happened. But when it's done properly it can be a greatly entertaining story on its own while also leaving the audience with a sense of homecoming as their beloved hero is returned to their glory days.

Over the last couple of years, Spider-Man has gone through far more changes than most people are likely to be aware of. Did you know that it turns out there is some kind of spider god, and Peter is simply the latest in a long line of champions chosen by it? And that there’s also a wasp god with champions who are the spider’s sworn enemies? And that Peter was beaten to a pulp and had his eye ripped out, before actually dying? And then he chose to be reborn at the cost of part of his humanity, ripped out of his skin, made a cocoon, and finally reemerged with a more powerful Spider-Sense, organic webshooters (a la the films), and a couple of bone stinger things that pop out of his wrists in times of great peril like some sort of second-rate Wolverine? Did you know that a villain burned down Aunt May’s house so that she, Peter, and Mary Jane are all forced to live in Avengers tower, since Peter is a member of that august body? And that during the recent Civil War event he revealed his true identity to the whole world?

Yeah. I didn’t think so. And while all of that (primarily the work of writer J. Michael Straczynski) made for some great stories and fun reading, there was always a voice in the back of my head saying, “Uhh, this is enjoyable, but he’s going to put it all back right?” I like my characters to grow as much as the next guy, but spider gods and bone stingers? It’s good for a while, as long as you can get everything back in the box when you’re done.

And this is where One More Day comes in. After a super-villain uses the knowledge of Peter's identity to have a hit put on him, it's Aunt May that actually takes the bullet and whose life hangs in the balance. He desperately tries to find a way to save her life, but in the end there's only one way it can be done and that’s going to require a great sacrifice, one that will completely change his world and (conveniently) change the Spider-Man comics in a big way (i.e. rebooting them). I don’t want to give too much away here, so I’ll just say that all the pieces fit together pretty well. The offer will make sense to those who have followed the books for years, as well as newcomers, and everything is handled with care. At no point will you be under any illusions that this is anything other than what it is: a means to an end. But that being said, the end is something familiar and comforting, yet still exciting because it’s been such a long time since things stood where they do after all the dust settles. Straczynski had a great, long run and it’s really kind of a shame that he basically had to undo everything he’s done over the past few years and essentially turn it all into a dream sequence. But, if you’re going to do something like that, you have to go all the way, and One More Day does just that.

Suitable for kids?: Yeah, if they're old enough to understand it they’re old enough to read it. The emotional impact that long-time readers might have will be lost on them, but when’s the last time something wasn’t wasted on kids?

Rating: 4/5

Old Heroes, New Tales

Hello, and welcome to my first themed week here on Kev-Views. Basically, every once in a while I intend to do a week where all three reviews are connected either by theme or actually by subject material. It might be three movies from the same director, three albums from the same band, or just three things that feature the same word in the title. Whatever the case, it will happen at completely irregular intervals, and the first one is upon us!

This week will be three new takes on old heroes. The first two will be Spider-Man (with a rebooted comic and a brand-new cartoon) and the last one will be Speed Racer (with a brand-new comic). Maybe it’s a tenuous relation (okay, definitely tenuous) but it’s just the first. And if you’ve got any ideas about other themes you’d like to see, drop me a comment!

See you tomorrow with the review of Spider-Man: One More Day!

Chatterbox Video Game Radio

Chatterbox Video Game Radio

Podcast Review

Doing a weekly, hour-long, talk-radio show devoted entirely to video games may sound like a tall order. But I'm sure that each and every week the companies that make the games release enough information, news, and PR materials that, combined with reviews of the new software actually coming out, you would have no trouble filling that hour. This, as far as I can tell, is what the vast majority of video game-related podcasts do. They gather together the latest news, undoubtedly culled from a few (or, possibly, just one) websites devoted to gaming news, throw it together with some music, and toss in an opinion on whatever games they can afford to buy. What makes Chatterbox stand out, is that they don’t do any of this.

That’s not to say that they don’t report on news, but that reading off the headlines and reiterating whatever ey can afford to buy. lated you would have no troulieralyou could have found out yourself (if you had simply bothered to visit the websites they keep telling you they go to) is not a feature of the show. And while you may also hear what they think about a game, be it new or old, reviews are also not something they focus on. Instead, the show tries to be something entirely new: an actual talk radio show devoted to discussing video games. Each week the host, Alon Waisman, and co-host Ara Shirinian (along with regular guest/intern/guy who laughs at all of the jokes, Rich Crawford) discuss topics concerning video games such as industry trends, societal effects, and how the format fits into our current concepts about art and entertainment. Rather than being just another cog in the wheel that is the industry's attempt to sell us all as many games as they can, Chatterbox tries to actually discuss that wheel, and thereby elevate this relatively new media to where it can be considered alongside others like film and literature.

The problem is that they tend to only get halfway there. Because the show is actually broadcast on terrestrial AM radio they have to take regular commercial breaks. So it happens pretty often that, just as an issue has been explained sufficiently and a real discussion is being broached, a commercial break interrupts and the momentum is lost. The best talk radio hosts (whether they are sane or not) are masters of picking back up after the break with a quick recap and reminder, and then plowing ahead as if nothing had happened. But the relative inexperience of Mr. Waisman and crew shows through each week as they flitter from topic to topic, hardly ever reaching something even resembling a satisfying conclusion. Interesting ideas, arguments, and theses are reliably raised every week, only to flounder and die when the (admittedly awesome) bumper music kicks in. Believe me, I really want to rate this show a four out of five, and I honestly believe that one day I'll have to revisit this review and change it. And I will, once the Chatterboxers learn to revisit their discussion topics.

Suitable for kids?: Ara’s regular (joking?) drug references, a habit of using abbreviations for curse words, and frank discussions of sex and violence will probably make a lot of parents balk at kids younger than high school age listening to it.

Rating: 3/5

Don't Get Too Comfortable

Don’t Get Too Comfortable: The Indignities of Coach Class, the Torments of Low Thread Count, the Never-Ending Quest for Artisanal Olive Oil, and Other First World Problems

By David Rakoff

Book Review

I always kind of dread the moment when someone will see me reading a book and ask what it’s about. Asking me if the book is any good is perfectly fine, but if you want me to sum it up in a sentence or two I’m probably going to be hesitant. Sure, there are plenty of bits of fluff out there, and I read them from time to time, that can be explained in just a couple of words like “murder mystery” or “legal thriller”, and that really tells you all you need to know about that particular novel. But with the good stuff, the books that are really worth reading and talking about, describing the crux of the plot can be a bit more daunting and great pieces of writing can get boiled down to “It’s about a family. And stuff.” When people asked me what Don't Get Too Comfortable was about, it was even harder because the book is not a novel but rather a collection of essays really worth reading and talking about, describing the crux of the plot can be a bit that are sort of loosely tied together by their theme. So, I usually said, "Middle class America." Which is only kind of true.

Let me say, before I get into this, that the book is a great read. Rakoff is an excellent writer whose breezy style is very easy to fly right through while actually feeling like you’re reading something a bit intellectual. It’s not often you find a book that gives you the sensation of real literature, while also feeling like a bit of light reading. You might find yourself hitting the dictionary a few times (or, more realistically, just skipping past words you don’t know) but it never becomes anything resembling a slog through pages and pages of, say, The Scarlet Letter. However, it's this very breeziness that works against the book on a certain level.

Purportedly, all of the essays here are dealing with the idea that those of us in the middle and upper classes have reached a point where we yearn for a simpler, more austere life that in many ways is something of a bizarre, almost perverse reflection of how lower class people live. This paragraph from pages 28-29 (of the hardback edition) sums it up nicely:

It’s nice to have nice things. Creature comfort is not some bourgeois capitalist construction, but framing it as a moral virtue sure is. It’s what the French call Nostalgie de la Boue: a fond yearning for the mud. Two things have to be in place to really appreciate this particular brand of gluttony posing as asceticism. First, you have to have endured years and years of plenty, the mud a long-distant, nearly forgotten memory. One must have decades of such surfeit under your belt that you have been fortunate enough to grow sick of it all. …And second- and this is what really separates the men from the boys- in order to maintain a life free of clutter and suitable for a sacred space, you’ll need another room to hide your shit.

Sounds like a great point that would make for a great book, right? And it is, in those instances when that’s what the essays are about. And the essays are all great even when they stray from this point. The only problem here is that every once in a while you get reminded, while enjoying some great writing about a trip to Brazil or a meeting with the Log Cabin Republicans, that there’s supposed to be an overarching theme working here when you had pretty well forgotten about it for the past 50 pages or so.

I can absolutely recommend Don’t Get Too Comfortable because it's a fantastic read and you will undoubtedly enjoy it as much as I did. It's just a shame that the central point he seems to be making never gets made, or even focused on, for any length of time. If it hadn’t been there, I think I would have liked the book even more, but the feeling of getting cheated out of a thorough argument brought it down just a little bit for me.

Suitable for kids?: There’s a bit of cursing, as you may have noticed above, and the author is very open about his homosexuality, but overall the concern here is not if it's okay for your kid to read it but whether they're mature enough to get anything out of it. I would say wait until high school when the teenage angst kicks in.

Rating: 4/5

Vantage Point

Vantage Point (2008)

Movie Review

The classic Japanese film Rashomon tells the tale of a murder from four very different perspectives, all of which contradict each other at various times. The movie makes the point that in any given situation, the absolute truth can be nigh impossible to ascertain because every person sees events in such a different way. Vantage Point claims to be doing something similar but seems to have gotten confused along the way and decided that, actually, everyone's perspective would be the same if they were just standing in the same spot. Whereas key plot points might be altered or out of sequence in Rashomon, with Vantage Point it’s more a matter of looking a different direction from someone else.

The movie centers around an apparent attempt on the President of the United States' life and proceeds to show the same twenty minutes or so from six different points of view. The first is a news producer, then we have a secret service agent, a local police officer, a tourist, the president himself, and finally the bad guys (who get conflated into one extended portion that wraps everything up). But rather than have any substantial differences in the way these different people see things, it’s all about what new pieces they can bring to the puzzle, and those pieces are doled out by the movie excruciatingly slowly. While a character may see something absolutely crucial to the plot, the audience isn’t shown what it is (just that person saying something to let us know it’s important, like “Oh my God!” or something clever like that) until later when the plot point is revealed in a different perspective. Vantage Point has nothing to say about the differences in the way people experience the world, but is, instead, basically a simple mystery to be pieced together. Unfortunately, the filmmakers don't play fair and allow the audience to piece the mystery together themselves except for one big twist that is revealed near the end and is also, sadly, ridiculously obvious almost from the very beginning.to be pieced together; one thatbasically a simple thpeople expereincefferent perspective. gs, it'd decided that, in fact, persp Great. So now we have a mystery that we’re not allowed to solve save for one small portion that is a giveaway all along. Any other problems?

Yeah, actually. See, by repeating the events six times the movie eventually gets really boring because we've seen most of this before. I suppose it could be more interesting to watch these things over and over if they were any good the first time, but the cookie-cutter characters don’t have a lot going for them. That’s kind of understandable since we essentially only have 20 minutes to get to know them all, but it doesn’t make it feel any better. The paper-thin plot groans under the weight of repeated viewing anyhow, but when the plight of a small girl gets laid on top of it, I couldn’t help but groan a little myself. On top of that, whatever species this movie is about, it sure isn't human beings. These guys take far more physical abuse than we ever could. Nearly all of the main characters are in close proximity to a large explosion, but it does little more than knock them down. One guyy oringvery beginning.s except for one big twist that is r takes a gut shot but that results in just a bit of wincing. Another guy gets hit by a car, twice, and it hardly breaks his stride. And finally one of them is in a car that gets sandwiched between a semi truck and a brick wall and he just crawls out and runs off. And yet, none of them are wearing the tell-tale glasses of a superhuman…

The movie finally wraps up with a big, long, drawn-out car chase that just gets tiring and is really just a collection of grimacing faces and fancy editing. Believe me, there are better car chases out there if that’s what you’re after. And finally, the go nowhere plot is conveniently wrapped up, the two-dimensional hero saves the day, the bland, unconvincing bad guys whose goal was, I think, everlasting war are defeated handily and the traitor (Oh, um, spoiler alert I guess. I mean, if you’ve never seen a movie ever, it might surprise you that there is a traitor involved.) is taken care of. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief and goes off to watch something else.

Rated: PG-13

Suitable for kids?: No nudity or sex, a lot of people get shot but nothing particularly graphic, and some bad language but not a whole lot. Let’s say yes, but definitely no one under the age of 10 or anyone with a shred of taste.

Anything after the credits: Not a thing.

Rating: 2/5

Chocolate Mix Skittles

Chocolate Mix Skittles

Food Review

I’ll admit that the whole idea of reviewing food, or even specifically candy, isn’t one I thought up on my own. That being said, it sounded like fun so who cares where I may or may not have ripped it off from.

As for Skittles in particular, it seems to me that there are three basic ways to eat them. The first is to separate the flavors and eat them one at a time, savoring and enjoying that particular fruit simulation by itself. The second, and probably the most common, is to simply grab a mix at random and see what it tastes like all jumbled together. The third and final, and I'll admit that I never do this, is what I call the Jelly Belly method where one tries specific combinations of the different flavors in an effort to discover some amazing, new taste sensation. I can't be bothered to do that with Jelly Bellys (Jelly Bellies?) even when they supply you with little recipes, so you can rest assured that it won’t be happening with the Skittles.

So, Chocolate Mix Skittles seem like an odd proposition to me from the very get-go. When I’m in the mood to eat Skittles, I’m probably in the mood for fruity flavors and not chocolate. And when I’m in the mood for chocolate, Skittle is not likely to be the first thing that pops into my mind. Still, I'll try anything once.

The bag informs us that this mix is made up of five flavors, which I will now review separately:

1. S’mores – This should include the flavors of chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. Instead, it kind of tastes like a Tootsie Roll. I’m not getting anything here that makes me think of S’mores. It’s not bad, if you like Tootsie Rolls (And hey, really, who doesn’t?), but , for some reason, I was surprised by the hard candy aspect even though I know what Skittles are like. I had chocolate in mind and my brain just expected it to be chewy. Rating: 2/5

2. Vanilla – How is that a chocolate flavor? Vanilla? Isn't that, like, the antithesis of chocolate? Aren’t they sworn enemies on the battlefields of sweet flavors? Seems like a stretch to me for this to be in a Chocolate Mix. The taste is all right. Kind of a vanilla/cheesecake flavor that is actually pretty enjoyable and definitely a step up from the Tootsie Roll rip-off of the S’mores candies. Rating 4/5

3. Chocolate Caramel – Is this supposed to be chocolate and caramel mixed together or some kind of chocolate flavored caramel? And wouldn’t that just be chocolate syrup? Should I be expecting caramel flavor or not? Whatever the deal is, my bag has far more of this flavor than any other. Could this be the filler of the Chocolate Mix Skittles? Perhaps. And considering these also taste like Tootsie Rolls, I can see why. There's some sort of not-quite-Tootsie-Roll aftertaste, but not enough to make it worth talking about. Rating: 2/5

4. Chocolate Pudding – From the filler to the rarity. I only have a measly six Chocolate Pudding Skittles in my bag, and their color is annoyingly close to that of the Brownie Batter, making the two hard to differentiate. I’ll have to be careful not to eat too many because I need to save some for the final mix. Maybe it won't matter though, because Chocolate Pudding doesn’t seem like a very distinct flavor. Doesn’t it just taste like chocolate? Almost, but not quite. These actually taste like a Jell-O Pudding Pop (Anyone else hear Bill Cosby in their head every time the words “pudding” and “pop” come up?) which isn’t bad, and as least it isn’t another Tootsie Roll retread. Rating 3/5

5. Brownie Batter – Not actual brownies mind you. This is the batter. These Skittles will not be recreating the flavor of brownies that have been baked, but rather that goopy mix you put into the oven that will eventually become brownies. Again, there aren’t a lot of them here; I only got seven. And again it’s annoying that they look so much like Chocolate Pudding. Shockingly, they actually do taste kind of like brownies. Or brownie batter. Or both. But it’s definitely there. Unfortunately, it’s not that great. Rating 2/5

And now, I will take two of each flavor, mix them together, and find out what a sampling of everything tastes like together. My prediction is: Tootsie Roll. We shall see.

And I was mostly right. It tastes like some Tootsie Rolls with something else mixed in, like maybe one of those vanilla-flavored Tootsie Rolls you only see at Halloween. Overall it’s pretty enjoyable, but I can’t shake the feeling that I'd be better off just eating Tootsie Rolls to start with. And it is a little sad that the best flavor in a Chocolate Mix is vanilla. Candy aficionados (if they exist) will want to try these, but as for everyone else, you're not really missing anything.

Suitable for kids?: At 230 calories and 2.5 grams of Saturated Fat per bag (which is one serving) I wouldn’t give them a whole package. Also, once they get all hopped up on the sugar, just don’t bring them around me.

Rating: 2/5

Knight Rider

Knight Rider (2008)

TV Review

Damn you Battlestar Galactica! For years it was pretty well understood that remaking an old TV show was just going to produce garbage. Sure, there were a couple of success stories, but for the most part trying to recapture the magic by bringing back an old favorite was just a disaster.

Then, to the shock of pretty well everyone everywhere, the new Battlestar Galactica show turned out to be good. Really good. And the eyebrows of television executives everywhere shot straight up. Why, just thinking about all the other old shows they could bring back probably sent some of them home with a new-found spring in their step. There isn’t a need to come up with a concept or to figure out how to promote the show and let people know what it’s about. Because everyone already knows what it is! It’s brilliant! Or… it would be if the shows were any good.

The new Knight Rider is just the latest in a string of programs proving that, whatever it was the minds behind BSG did, it isn’t easy to duplicate. The first five minutes of the premiere two-hour event (something that usually translates into “a little too much to squeeze into one hour, and not nearly enough to stretch out to two hours, but watch us do it anyhow”) show some promise. There’s some action, some interrogation, and the car is awesome. Then the credits come along and things just head downhill for an hour and fifty-five more minutes. It's not just that the show is clichéd, it's that it's full of old clichés. Some villains want to get something that will start a war and make them money. There’s the hero and the girl. She’s the beautiful and brilliant daughter of a scientist. They dated, but, you know, they're from different worlds. He never called. But now, hey, they're together again and that 60 second conversation pretty well worked out all the problems they had, so let's all work together and have a will they/won’t they thing until this gets mercifully canceled. Also, there was some fast driving.

And, that’s pretty much whatnow and that 60 second conversation pretty well worked out all the problems we had, so let's wor part trying to bring you got out of the whole two hours. Now they can set up the villain of the week format and get down to the business of doing exactly what the old Knight Rider did but with a less charming lead and much better shows to compare it to. Is it possible for a show to have jumped the shark years before it even begins airing? At the end of the movie when David Hasselhoff made his brief appearance, it didn’t leave me thinking, “Yes! What an awesome way to end this!” but rather, “Now, that’s the show I'd rather be watching.”

Suitable for kids?: Yeah, from about age 10 and up. There’s not enough sexual innuendo or tension to be an issue (or to be interesting), and very little violence.

Rating: 2/5

Yeasayer - All Hour Cymbals

Yeasayer – All Hour Cymbals

Music Review

The debut album from the band Yeasayer isn’t necessarily one that’s going to reach out and grab you right off the bat. Instead, you are more likely to find yourself humming a short refrain or repeating a couple of melodic lyrics and wondering where it came from. The music can seem almost overwhelming at moments, but is actually comprised of many simple parts all layered into a rich whole. The members use a lot of Eastern sounds, specifically reminiscent of Indian music, along with multiple vocal tracks and a dash of indie rock sensibilities. The result is something resembling a Bollywood soundtrack, a drum circle, Built to Spill, and Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Undoubtedly the strongest track on the album, “2080” may make a good litmus test for anyone unsure if that sounds like something they might enjoy. And that’s understandable. It’s a mixture of sounds that could fall apart at any stage of production. If the vocalists weren’t all good singers, if the percussionists weren’t solid, if the levels weren't mixed down just perfectly then any of the songs could quickly become grating, but track after track comes together nicely. They might not all get stuck in your head, but the worst thing you can say about any given song on All Hour Cymbals is that it’s a really nice song. For the best tracks, they've created songs that combine a sense of ancient history with new sounds.

Recommended tracks: Again, “2080” is the best song on the album. If you don’t like it, you likely won’t care for anything else here. "Sunrise" is another great track which allows the music to come more to the forefront. These two together represent the basic sounds of the album and, unsurprisingly, were the two chosen to be on the first single. “Wintertime” dips closer to the indie rock sounds, “Forgiveness” plays heavily with the chanting aspects, and the album comes to a nice close with “Red Cave”, which sums up what the group is doing very well.

Suitable for kids?: Sure. The music tends more towards calming and there was no noticeable cursing. Probably better for kids than pretty much anything on the radio actually.

Rating: 4/5

Welcome to the Captain

Welcome to the Captain
CBS, Mondays at 8:30 EST

TV Show Review

Raquel Welch still looks great, and Jeffrey Tambor always brings charm and great timing to whatever he works on.

And, yep, I think that’s all of the nice stuff I have to say about the new sitcom, Welcome to the Captain. Maybe if the whole show were about Welch and Tambor's characters it would be enjoyable, but it isn't. He's in it only intermittently, and she makes two very small appearances that left me with the impression she might not even be featured in every episode. Instead, the show focuses on Josh Flug, played by Fran Kranz who you'll recognize from... Oh yeah, nowhere. It's nice to see that one guy from American Pie who never did anything else finally getting more work as the buddy who convinces Flug (Is that name supposed to be funny?) to stay in L.A. instead of returning to New York. I guess. And apparently the hopeful future love interest is also on Reba, so you just know she can bring the funny.

Ahem.

When I saw this show was starting up now, I wondered if it had been sitting around since before the writers’ strike started, or if it were simply not written by writers. After watching it, I’m guessing it was written by a couple of unpaid interns circa 1998. Like I said, Tambor is always good when he has something to work with. But here his funniest line is, after mentioning that he used to write for Three’s Company, saying, “Yeah, yeah, I was a writer on T-CO.” Ha. He called Three’s Company “T-CO”. That's a... good one? Oh, and the guy working the front desk of the apartment building is named Jesus, but he pronounces it like the son of God instead of the way you would normally expect a Hispanic person to. Kind of like in The Big Lebowski except without all of the stuff that made that funny. Oh, and we already have The Big Lebowski. So this is like someone saying, "You like Turkey and mayo sandwiches? Well, I made one with just mayo! Isn't that great?" No. at funny. Oh, and we alreqd that made that funny. sonf to write for g around since before the wirter'No, it isn’t.

I don’t know what else to say. This show isn’t funny. Ever. And there’s not even the promise of future funny. Some people might say that it’s unfair to judge the show based solely on the pilot, but honestly that’s how the networks do it and there are plenty of shows whose first episodes weren't that funny, but at least showed how the series could be funny. This one just makes me want to watch something else.

Suitable for kids: Not really. Too much sexual innuendo. That being said, it’s not really suitable for human consumption at all.

Rating: 1/5

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay

By Michael Chabon

Book Review

As I read through this book, I kept wondering if I my lifelong love of comic books was simply adding another level to my enjoyment of it, or if it was actually the main reason I was appreciating it. Would someone who hadn't grown up obsessing over superhero exploits past and present still find this novel such a joy? Or would they simply wonder why the author kept muddling his narrative with all of this talk about silly stories of grown men in their underwear? The "Winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction” blurb on the cover reassured me to some extent, but experience with movies has taught me that award-winning doesn't necessarily mean good.

However, when all is said and done, I think this story really speaks to something that anyone can relate to. You might connect a little more strongly to the main characters if you are a comic book fan, but you might connect even stronger if you are Jewish, or any minority, or a dreamer, or someone who has been in war or been close to someone who was in war, or if you lived in New York, or any of a hundred other types of people.

The story focuses on two young Jewish boys, one a born-and-bred New Yorker, and the other, his cousin, a refugee from Prague. They become quick friends and find their fortune in the creation of a comic book character called The Escapist during the comic book boom that followed the debut of Superman in the late 30s. But to say that the book is about comic books or about superheroes would be ridiculous. It's about the lives of these two men and the routes that they end up taking through them as World War II, along with any number of other events, comes about. It touches on the disenfranchisement felt by immigrants, the difficulty of being a homosexual during that period, the beginnings of suburbia, and the wonder of childhood characters if you are a comic book fan, but you might connect even stronger if you are Je, in addition to being something of a history lesson on the creation and publication of superhero comics.

Chabon is simply a masterful writer. Whenever he begins to build the characters up and give them a hope of real happiness, the reader can tell that something terrible is around the corner. But the true measure of his expertise comes from the fact that you can’t help but get excited for them. You know a catastrophe is looming, yet the desire to see them succeed and be happy, and the hope that it is possible, simply won’t allow you to remain totally cynical. The other thing I feel the need to point out is that Chabon’s use of language is a joy to read. His descriptions and the way everything is structured are English at its best. He could write a novel about American Idol and I’d probably find it a pleasurable read.

So, to wrap it up, you owe it to yourself to read this book no matter who you are. I have nothing bad to say about it. I haven't read a book this good in so long I think I had forgotten that they existed. I almost hesitated to praise the book so heavily because I was concerned that I might have raised expectations too much, but, honestly, I feel confident that the book can take it.

Suitable for kids?: Middle School and up, depending on their reading ability. Younger kids would be too confused by much of the book, and the passages dealing with homosexuality and war, while not at all graphic, may be a bit too adult.

Rating: 5/5

Rambo

Film Review

The awesomeness of any given scene in Rambo is inversely proportional to how much dialogue it has. When there’s nothing coming out of the characters’ mouths except for panting and grunting as they run and shoot and fall down, the movie’s action sequences are almost breathtaking. But as soon as the characters start yapping the enjoyment level begins to drop, and in those moments when they begin to expound upon human rights or dignity or religion or anything with any level of importance it just becomes cringeworthy.

Still, no one should be going in to see this with the expectation that they’ll be getting any kind of profound statement on... anything. If you're like me then you simply want some well-paced action, big explosions, and (I'll admit it) lots of blood and guts. And you’ll get that. Boy, will you ever. Rambo makes The Passion of the Christ look like Jesus Christ Superstar. When the bullets are flying, it's at the top of its game and everything is great. The problem arises from the fact that the bits in between all the killing are just so bad. The obvious plot and poorly written dialogue are to be expected, sure. And the main villain being cartoonishly evil is nothing new either. But did he have to be this cartoonish? A guy who silently watches from his car, while smoking non-stop and wearing reflective sunglasses like something straight out of Smokey and the Bandit? Oh yeah, and he also rapes a young boy. So, now he's a gay, pedophile smoker with state trooper sunglasses. If they'd given him a Russian accent I think they would have hit every villain cliché ever. But even this didn’t actually bother me so much as make me chuckle and roll my eyes.

What did bother me was the underlying racism throughout the movie. Basically, John Rambo has given up on life. He knows atrocities are being committed in Burma, near where he lives, but he doesn’t care about anything. Until a white woman asks him to do something. Then it matters. And when she gets kidnapped, he has to go after her. And when she’s in danger of being sexually assaulted, he kills the guy doing it with his bare hands. In fact, her well-being and sexual purity are of paramount importance to seemingly every person in the movie, good or bad. It's like every single character said, "Yeah, we know that Burmese women and children are being brutally murdered, raped, and who knows what else. But we can't do anything about that. Holy cow, is that a white chick?!?! Well, now some people gotta die!”

Of course, just as this is starting to bother you, some stuff blows up. Real good. And that’s why you’re there, so you’ll be back to enjoying it pretty quickly. You might want to make a donation to a charity for relief in Burma or Darfur afterwards, to help wash the taste out of your mouth, but you'll probably enjoy the trip. I mean, seriously, that stuff blows up REAL GOOD.

Rated: R

Suitable for kids?: No, not at all. Earns every aspect of its “R” rating.

Anything after the credits?: Nope. No reason to stick around.

Rating: 3/5

New Format!!

Welcome!

Whether you are a newcomer or an old friend, welcome to the beginning of the newest phase of my personal blog. It has been sitting here (in imaginary internet space) not getting used for a long time, so it’s something of a miracle that I even remembered I had it. Basically, I could never be bothered to write anything here because nothing ever really struck me as blog-worthy. Anything happening in my daily life was something I had already told to the people I wanted to know about it.

But I have always wanted to review stuff. Movies, books, comic books, music, TV shows… You name it, I want to tell someone my opinion on it. So, I finally decided that now was the time to just start.

My goal is to get at least three reviews up here every week, but it may go a little slower at first while I get the hang of it and try to get into the swing of writing these regularly. I intend to keep them all to about one page of text or less, so I don’t ramble too much. And just to let you know how my ratings will work, here’s a breakdown:

1/5 – Bad

2/5 – Not Good

3/5 – Good

4/5 – Very Good

5/5 – Great

So, anything with a 1/5 should just be avoided at all costs. Something I give 2/5 to is bad, but it could have been worse. Still, probably not worth your time. 3/5 will probably be the most common rating given out, because it denotes something sort of mediocre. Not great, but not terrible. There are likely things to enjoy in there, but they are obscured by problems throughout the piece. 4/5 is something you should definitely check out when you get the chance. It will be something that I feel very confident suggesting you experience, while 5/5 is not to be missed. There won’t be a lot of these, because frankly there isn’t that much out there that deserves it. But when they come along I’m going to throw them in there and you’ll want to run out and see or read or hear whatever it is as soon as you can.

And that’s the idea. Thanks for dropping by and I hope you come back. Oh, and leave some comments for me, would you? Thanks!