Bullet Points

Bullet Points

Comic Book Review

The alternate reality tales of DC and Marvel, under the umbrella titles of Elseworlds and What If…? respectively, are such a cool idea that, even though their hit-to-miss ratio is not particularly good, I have always been inexorably drawn to them. I just can’t help but want to know what it would have been like if Superman had grown up in Soviet Russia or how the Marvel universe would have been altered if Wolverine had become the lord of the vampires. On the other hand, the Fantastic Four developing in soviet Russia and Batman becoming lord of the vampires were considerably less compelling stories, but I figured they were worth a shot. So, when the new series Bullet Points promised to take a serious look at how a small change in history could have affected the whole world, I sat up and took notice, not realizing that it wouldn’t be a re-imagining so much as a reshuffling.

While not technically a What If…? book, Bullet Points nonetheless can be summed up in one of their traditional titles: “What If There Had Been No Captain America?" In the original continuity, the doctor who developed the super soldier serum responsible for turning scrawny Steve Rogers into the Sentinel of Liberty (is it obvious I’ve read a lot of comics?) is gunned down only moments after the transformation has been completed, taking the secret of the serum to the grave with him. Writer J. Michael Straczynski (of whom I am normally a fan) posits that, if said scientist had been killed just 24 hours earlier then the world would have turned out quite differently, and I’m sure he’s right. Rogers never would have become Captain America, and that would have surely lead to any number of events playing out completely differently, especially when you consider what an effect Cap had on the Avengers later on.

But the problem is that we don’t see characters who would have become super heroes leading a normal life instead, or totally new people picking up the mantle in their place, or whole new heroes coming into being to fill the void. Instead, everyone just swaps places. Since he can’t be Captain America, Steve Rogers becomes Iron Man (in a suit that, despite having not been designed by Tony Stark, nonetheless looks exactly like the one designed by Tony Stark). When the aforementioned scientist is gunned down, Peter Parker’s uncle Ben is also killed by the bullet, leaving him to grow up without that influence. So he doesn’t become Spider-Man, he becomes… the Hulk? Yes, everyone just trades off. Reed Richards takes Nick Fury’s place, Bruce Banner becomes Spider-Man (again in the exact same costume, even though Peter had nothing to do with it), Stephen Strange becomes Wolverine (or not, because later we see that Wolverine is Wolverine and Strange is really only mentioned in one page, making it completely pointless in addition to being a dumb idea) and all the other characters stay exactly the same because we just couldn’t be bothered to deal with them. In the end Galactus shows up and the only vaguely interesting point on the five issue series ensues when a world with no Fantastic Four must find a way to stop their planet from being devoured. Good old Galactus. You can always count on him to spruce up a sagging storyline.

While this could all be considered kind of a cute idea, the fact that it spanned well over 100 pages makes it drag badly, and helps to highlight the ridiculousness of it all. Perhaps if it had been condensed into a single issue, the rapid pace would have served to alleviate some of my eye-rolling. Maybe they could have done it as, oh, I don’t know, an issue of What If…??

Suitable for kids?: Yeah, sure, but I’m not sure the art will appeal to them. Or, you know, the story either.

Rating: 2/5

Speed Racer

Speed Racer

Comic Book Review

Just to get this out in the open, I was never really a fan of Speed Racer. Even as a little kid the cartoon seemed shrill and stupid and boring to me. I tried to get into it a little later on when I started discovering Japanese animation, thinking that I might have a new perspective, but it still just came across as annoying. And yet, it falls into this odd category of things that I kind of feel like I should be a fan of, because the people out there who populate the Speed Racer fan community tend to share a lot of other interests with me. It’s a show that gets mentioned a lot whenever people of my generation talk fondly of the TV from their childhood and I've always had the feeling that I was missing out on something. It's just that the something is not Speed Racer but an ability to enjoy it.

So, when I saw that the Wachowski brothers were making a fancy, new movie based on the franchise, and the rumors of a new cartoon began circulating, I actually got excited despite the fact that I am far from being a fan. Perhaps they would put some kind of new spin on it or an updating that would allow me to get a foothold and finally connect with this elusive series that, despite being completely idiotic, has managed to haunt me my whole life. And then, to make things even better, I learned that IDW was releasing a new Speed Racer comic book. What could be better? The bad dubbing and non-existent lip-synching wouldn’t be an issue anymore! And I had read the company’s take on Transformers (a cartoon I thoroughly enjoyed as a child) and, although not a big fan of the art (and this still holds true for the Speed Racer book), I really enjoyed it. So, this seemed like maybe it would work out.

Unfortunately I found myself, like always, wondering just why, exactly, anyone enjoys this thing. Writer Arie Kaplan is obviously a big fan of the old cartoon because he manages to write the dialogue in the exact same manner. In other words, it’s awful. At one point Speed's mother points out that Racer X's shoelace is untied (the untied shoe often being a big plot point in great fiction), leading to the line, “It’s funny. My son Rex used to always leave his shoes untied. You sort of remind me of… Naahhhh, it can’t be!” This is not meant to be ironic. She is not kidding. This is what passes for drama in this book.

So, okay, it’s meant to be just like the old cartoon and is aimed squarely at the long-time fans. Maybe it’s just not for me. But then, there’s actually an effort made to add more depth to the story by introducing the fact that our hero is just the latest in a long line of Racers going back throughout history. And there’s a magic amulet! Actually, just half of one. Where’s the other half? The invisible, immortal villain has it! And the only way to learn about him is to read the stories of the different Racers, starting with the chariot driving one. What?!?! A long line of Racers holding half of an amulet? Haven't I seen this somewhere else? Does the amulet have "BFF" written on it and the other half is being held by Speed's long lost twin (played, of course, by Jean-Claude Van Damme)? The whole thing is so ridiculous that it could actually be quite amusing if it were meant as a joke. But it isn't. Which still blows my mind.

So, once again I found myself experiencing Speed Racer and just thinking it was dumb and annoying and wondering why anyone thinks it’s enjoyable. The only upside here being that you can read the comic in less time than it takes to watch an episode of the show, and it never shouts the dialogue at you. Hey, I guess it is an improvement.

Suitable for kids?: There’s nothing in here that you wouldn’t want your kids to see, but really nothing you would want them to see, either.

Rating:2/5

Spider-Man: One More Day

Spider-Man: One More Day

Comic Book Review

The writers handling Spider-Man, Superman, Batman, and other long-time comic book heroes that have become part of popular culture face a pretty daunting challenge: to keep the books fresh and moving forward, while also keeping those characters relatively unchanged so that new readers can identify them with what they have heard of or seen in movies. This has to be tough because, how do you allow a character to grow and change in order to remain relevant and interesting, while also making sure that they are still the person people remember from the cartoons they saw when they were a kid? Well, one of the tried and true tricks of the trade (There’s some carefully constructed, comic book-like alliteration for you!) is the reboot. This is where you allow a character to go through any number of changes over the course of months or years, and then use some device to set everything back to the way it was. Usually it comes off as hackneyed as it sounds and leaves the readers feeling cheated now that all the books they’ve bought, read, and collected for however long no longer matter or even really happened. But when it's done properly it can be a greatly entertaining story on its own while also leaving the audience with a sense of homecoming as their beloved hero is returned to their glory days.

Over the last couple of years, Spider-Man has gone through far more changes than most people are likely to be aware of. Did you know that it turns out there is some kind of spider god, and Peter is simply the latest in a long line of champions chosen by it? And that there’s also a wasp god with champions who are the spider’s sworn enemies? And that Peter was beaten to a pulp and had his eye ripped out, before actually dying? And then he chose to be reborn at the cost of part of his humanity, ripped out of his skin, made a cocoon, and finally reemerged with a more powerful Spider-Sense, organic webshooters (a la the films), and a couple of bone stinger things that pop out of his wrists in times of great peril like some sort of second-rate Wolverine? Did you know that a villain burned down Aunt May’s house so that she, Peter, and Mary Jane are all forced to live in Avengers tower, since Peter is a member of that august body? And that during the recent Civil War event he revealed his true identity to the whole world?

Yeah. I didn’t think so. And while all of that (primarily the work of writer J. Michael Straczynski) made for some great stories and fun reading, there was always a voice in the back of my head saying, “Uhh, this is enjoyable, but he’s going to put it all back right?” I like my characters to grow as much as the next guy, but spider gods and bone stingers? It’s good for a while, as long as you can get everything back in the box when you’re done.

And this is where One More Day comes in. After a super-villain uses the knowledge of Peter's identity to have a hit put on him, it's Aunt May that actually takes the bullet and whose life hangs in the balance. He desperately tries to find a way to save her life, but in the end there's only one way it can be done and that’s going to require a great sacrifice, one that will completely change his world and (conveniently) change the Spider-Man comics in a big way (i.e. rebooting them). I don’t want to give too much away here, so I’ll just say that all the pieces fit together pretty well. The offer will make sense to those who have followed the books for years, as well as newcomers, and everything is handled with care. At no point will you be under any illusions that this is anything other than what it is: a means to an end. But that being said, the end is something familiar and comforting, yet still exciting because it’s been such a long time since things stood where they do after all the dust settles. Straczynski had a great, long run and it’s really kind of a shame that he basically had to undo everything he’s done over the past few years and essentially turn it all into a dream sequence. But, if you’re going to do something like that, you have to go all the way, and One More Day does just that.

Suitable for kids?: Yeah, if they're old enough to understand it they’re old enough to read it. The emotional impact that long-time readers might have will be lost on them, but when’s the last time something wasn’t wasted on kids?

Rating: 4/5