Bullet Points

Bullet Points

Comic Book Review

The alternate reality tales of DC and Marvel, under the umbrella titles of Elseworlds and What If…? respectively, are such a cool idea that, even though their hit-to-miss ratio is not particularly good, I have always been inexorably drawn to them. I just can’t help but want to know what it would have been like if Superman had grown up in Soviet Russia or how the Marvel universe would have been altered if Wolverine had become the lord of the vampires. On the other hand, the Fantastic Four developing in soviet Russia and Batman becoming lord of the vampires were considerably less compelling stories, but I figured they were worth a shot. So, when the new series Bullet Points promised to take a serious look at how a small change in history could have affected the whole world, I sat up and took notice, not realizing that it wouldn’t be a re-imagining so much as a reshuffling.

While not technically a What If…? book, Bullet Points nonetheless can be summed up in one of their traditional titles: “What If There Had Been No Captain America?" In the original continuity, the doctor who developed the super soldier serum responsible for turning scrawny Steve Rogers into the Sentinel of Liberty (is it obvious I’ve read a lot of comics?) is gunned down only moments after the transformation has been completed, taking the secret of the serum to the grave with him. Writer J. Michael Straczynski (of whom I am normally a fan) posits that, if said scientist had been killed just 24 hours earlier then the world would have turned out quite differently, and I’m sure he’s right. Rogers never would have become Captain America, and that would have surely lead to any number of events playing out completely differently, especially when you consider what an effect Cap had on the Avengers later on.

But the problem is that we don’t see characters who would have become super heroes leading a normal life instead, or totally new people picking up the mantle in their place, or whole new heroes coming into being to fill the void. Instead, everyone just swaps places. Since he can’t be Captain America, Steve Rogers becomes Iron Man (in a suit that, despite having not been designed by Tony Stark, nonetheless looks exactly like the one designed by Tony Stark). When the aforementioned scientist is gunned down, Peter Parker’s uncle Ben is also killed by the bullet, leaving him to grow up without that influence. So he doesn’t become Spider-Man, he becomes… the Hulk? Yes, everyone just trades off. Reed Richards takes Nick Fury’s place, Bruce Banner becomes Spider-Man (again in the exact same costume, even though Peter had nothing to do with it), Stephen Strange becomes Wolverine (or not, because later we see that Wolverine is Wolverine and Strange is really only mentioned in one page, making it completely pointless in addition to being a dumb idea) and all the other characters stay exactly the same because we just couldn’t be bothered to deal with them. In the end Galactus shows up and the only vaguely interesting point on the five issue series ensues when a world with no Fantastic Four must find a way to stop their planet from being devoured. Good old Galactus. You can always count on him to spruce up a sagging storyline.

While this could all be considered kind of a cute idea, the fact that it spanned well over 100 pages makes it drag badly, and helps to highlight the ridiculousness of it all. Perhaps if it had been condensed into a single issue, the rapid pace would have served to alleviate some of my eye-rolling. Maybe they could have done it as, oh, I don’t know, an issue of What If…??

Suitable for kids?: Yeah, sure, but I’m not sure the art will appeal to them. Or, you know, the story either.

Rating: 2/5

Speed Racer

Speed Racer

Comic Book Review

Just to get this out in the open, I was never really a fan of Speed Racer. Even as a little kid the cartoon seemed shrill and stupid and boring to me. I tried to get into it a little later on when I started discovering Japanese animation, thinking that I might have a new perspective, but it still just came across as annoying. And yet, it falls into this odd category of things that I kind of feel like I should be a fan of, because the people out there who populate the Speed Racer fan community tend to share a lot of other interests with me. It’s a show that gets mentioned a lot whenever people of my generation talk fondly of the TV from their childhood and I've always had the feeling that I was missing out on something. It's just that the something is not Speed Racer but an ability to enjoy it.

So, when I saw that the Wachowski brothers were making a fancy, new movie based on the franchise, and the rumors of a new cartoon began circulating, I actually got excited despite the fact that I am far from being a fan. Perhaps they would put some kind of new spin on it or an updating that would allow me to get a foothold and finally connect with this elusive series that, despite being completely idiotic, has managed to haunt me my whole life. And then, to make things even better, I learned that IDW was releasing a new Speed Racer comic book. What could be better? The bad dubbing and non-existent lip-synching wouldn’t be an issue anymore! And I had read the company’s take on Transformers (a cartoon I thoroughly enjoyed as a child) and, although not a big fan of the art (and this still holds true for the Speed Racer book), I really enjoyed it. So, this seemed like maybe it would work out.

Unfortunately I found myself, like always, wondering just why, exactly, anyone enjoys this thing. Writer Arie Kaplan is obviously a big fan of the old cartoon because he manages to write the dialogue in the exact same manner. In other words, it’s awful. At one point Speed's mother points out that Racer X's shoelace is untied (the untied shoe often being a big plot point in great fiction), leading to the line, “It’s funny. My son Rex used to always leave his shoes untied. You sort of remind me of… Naahhhh, it can’t be!” This is not meant to be ironic. She is not kidding. This is what passes for drama in this book.

So, okay, it’s meant to be just like the old cartoon and is aimed squarely at the long-time fans. Maybe it’s just not for me. But then, there’s actually an effort made to add more depth to the story by introducing the fact that our hero is just the latest in a long line of Racers going back throughout history. And there’s a magic amulet! Actually, just half of one. Where’s the other half? The invisible, immortal villain has it! And the only way to learn about him is to read the stories of the different Racers, starting with the chariot driving one. What?!?! A long line of Racers holding half of an amulet? Haven't I seen this somewhere else? Does the amulet have "BFF" written on it and the other half is being held by Speed's long lost twin (played, of course, by Jean-Claude Van Damme)? The whole thing is so ridiculous that it could actually be quite amusing if it were meant as a joke. But it isn't. Which still blows my mind.

So, once again I found myself experiencing Speed Racer and just thinking it was dumb and annoying and wondering why anyone thinks it’s enjoyable. The only upside here being that you can read the comic in less time than it takes to watch an episode of the show, and it never shouts the dialogue at you. Hey, I guess it is an improvement.

Suitable for kids?: There’s nothing in here that you wouldn’t want your kids to see, but really nothing you would want them to see, either.

Rating:2/5

Vantage Point

Vantage Point (2008)

Movie Review

The classic Japanese film Rashomon tells the tale of a murder from four very different perspectives, all of which contradict each other at various times. The movie makes the point that in any given situation, the absolute truth can be nigh impossible to ascertain because every person sees events in such a different way. Vantage Point claims to be doing something similar but seems to have gotten confused along the way and decided that, actually, everyone's perspective would be the same if they were just standing in the same spot. Whereas key plot points might be altered or out of sequence in Rashomon, with Vantage Point it’s more a matter of looking a different direction from someone else.

The movie centers around an apparent attempt on the President of the United States' life and proceeds to show the same twenty minutes or so from six different points of view. The first is a news producer, then we have a secret service agent, a local police officer, a tourist, the president himself, and finally the bad guys (who get conflated into one extended portion that wraps everything up). But rather than have any substantial differences in the way these different people see things, it’s all about what new pieces they can bring to the puzzle, and those pieces are doled out by the movie excruciatingly slowly. While a character may see something absolutely crucial to the plot, the audience isn’t shown what it is (just that person saying something to let us know it’s important, like “Oh my God!” or something clever like that) until later when the plot point is revealed in a different perspective. Vantage Point has nothing to say about the differences in the way people experience the world, but is, instead, basically a simple mystery to be pieced together. Unfortunately, the filmmakers don't play fair and allow the audience to piece the mystery together themselves except for one big twist that is revealed near the end and is also, sadly, ridiculously obvious almost from the very beginning.to be pieced together; one thatbasically a simple thpeople expereincefferent perspective. gs, it'd decided that, in fact, persp Great. So now we have a mystery that we’re not allowed to solve save for one small portion that is a giveaway all along. Any other problems?

Yeah, actually. See, by repeating the events six times the movie eventually gets really boring because we've seen most of this before. I suppose it could be more interesting to watch these things over and over if they were any good the first time, but the cookie-cutter characters don’t have a lot going for them. That’s kind of understandable since we essentially only have 20 minutes to get to know them all, but it doesn’t make it feel any better. The paper-thin plot groans under the weight of repeated viewing anyhow, but when the plight of a small girl gets laid on top of it, I couldn’t help but groan a little myself. On top of that, whatever species this movie is about, it sure isn't human beings. These guys take far more physical abuse than we ever could. Nearly all of the main characters are in close proximity to a large explosion, but it does little more than knock them down. One guyy oringvery beginning.s except for one big twist that is r takes a gut shot but that results in just a bit of wincing. Another guy gets hit by a car, twice, and it hardly breaks his stride. And finally one of them is in a car that gets sandwiched between a semi truck and a brick wall and he just crawls out and runs off. And yet, none of them are wearing the tell-tale glasses of a superhuman…

The movie finally wraps up with a big, long, drawn-out car chase that just gets tiring and is really just a collection of grimacing faces and fancy editing. Believe me, there are better car chases out there if that’s what you’re after. And finally, the go nowhere plot is conveniently wrapped up, the two-dimensional hero saves the day, the bland, unconvincing bad guys whose goal was, I think, everlasting war are defeated handily and the traitor (Oh, um, spoiler alert I guess. I mean, if you’ve never seen a movie ever, it might surprise you that there is a traitor involved.) is taken care of. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief and goes off to watch something else.

Rated: PG-13

Suitable for kids?: No nudity or sex, a lot of people get shot but nothing particularly graphic, and some bad language but not a whole lot. Let’s say yes, but definitely no one under the age of 10 or anyone with a shred of taste.

Anything after the credits: Not a thing.

Rating: 2/5

Chocolate Mix Skittles

Chocolate Mix Skittles

Food Review

I’ll admit that the whole idea of reviewing food, or even specifically candy, isn’t one I thought up on my own. That being said, it sounded like fun so who cares where I may or may not have ripped it off from.

As for Skittles in particular, it seems to me that there are three basic ways to eat them. The first is to separate the flavors and eat them one at a time, savoring and enjoying that particular fruit simulation by itself. The second, and probably the most common, is to simply grab a mix at random and see what it tastes like all jumbled together. The third and final, and I'll admit that I never do this, is what I call the Jelly Belly method where one tries specific combinations of the different flavors in an effort to discover some amazing, new taste sensation. I can't be bothered to do that with Jelly Bellys (Jelly Bellies?) even when they supply you with little recipes, so you can rest assured that it won’t be happening with the Skittles.

So, Chocolate Mix Skittles seem like an odd proposition to me from the very get-go. When I’m in the mood to eat Skittles, I’m probably in the mood for fruity flavors and not chocolate. And when I’m in the mood for chocolate, Skittle is not likely to be the first thing that pops into my mind. Still, I'll try anything once.

The bag informs us that this mix is made up of five flavors, which I will now review separately:

1. S’mores – This should include the flavors of chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. Instead, it kind of tastes like a Tootsie Roll. I’m not getting anything here that makes me think of S’mores. It’s not bad, if you like Tootsie Rolls (And hey, really, who doesn’t?), but , for some reason, I was surprised by the hard candy aspect even though I know what Skittles are like. I had chocolate in mind and my brain just expected it to be chewy. Rating: 2/5

2. Vanilla – How is that a chocolate flavor? Vanilla? Isn't that, like, the antithesis of chocolate? Aren’t they sworn enemies on the battlefields of sweet flavors? Seems like a stretch to me for this to be in a Chocolate Mix. The taste is all right. Kind of a vanilla/cheesecake flavor that is actually pretty enjoyable and definitely a step up from the Tootsie Roll rip-off of the S’mores candies. Rating 4/5

3. Chocolate Caramel – Is this supposed to be chocolate and caramel mixed together or some kind of chocolate flavored caramel? And wouldn’t that just be chocolate syrup? Should I be expecting caramel flavor or not? Whatever the deal is, my bag has far more of this flavor than any other. Could this be the filler of the Chocolate Mix Skittles? Perhaps. And considering these also taste like Tootsie Rolls, I can see why. There's some sort of not-quite-Tootsie-Roll aftertaste, but not enough to make it worth talking about. Rating: 2/5

4. Chocolate Pudding – From the filler to the rarity. I only have a measly six Chocolate Pudding Skittles in my bag, and their color is annoyingly close to that of the Brownie Batter, making the two hard to differentiate. I’ll have to be careful not to eat too many because I need to save some for the final mix. Maybe it won't matter though, because Chocolate Pudding doesn’t seem like a very distinct flavor. Doesn’t it just taste like chocolate? Almost, but not quite. These actually taste like a Jell-O Pudding Pop (Anyone else hear Bill Cosby in their head every time the words “pudding” and “pop” come up?) which isn’t bad, and as least it isn’t another Tootsie Roll retread. Rating 3/5

5. Brownie Batter – Not actual brownies mind you. This is the batter. These Skittles will not be recreating the flavor of brownies that have been baked, but rather that goopy mix you put into the oven that will eventually become brownies. Again, there aren’t a lot of them here; I only got seven. And again it’s annoying that they look so much like Chocolate Pudding. Shockingly, they actually do taste kind of like brownies. Or brownie batter. Or both. But it’s definitely there. Unfortunately, it’s not that great. Rating 2/5

And now, I will take two of each flavor, mix them together, and find out what a sampling of everything tastes like together. My prediction is: Tootsie Roll. We shall see.

And I was mostly right. It tastes like some Tootsie Rolls with something else mixed in, like maybe one of those vanilla-flavored Tootsie Rolls you only see at Halloween. Overall it’s pretty enjoyable, but I can’t shake the feeling that I'd be better off just eating Tootsie Rolls to start with. And it is a little sad that the best flavor in a Chocolate Mix is vanilla. Candy aficionados (if they exist) will want to try these, but as for everyone else, you're not really missing anything.

Suitable for kids?: At 230 calories and 2.5 grams of Saturated Fat per bag (which is one serving) I wouldn’t give them a whole package. Also, once they get all hopped up on the sugar, just don’t bring them around me.

Rating: 2/5

Knight Rider

Knight Rider (2008)

TV Review

Damn you Battlestar Galactica! For years it was pretty well understood that remaking an old TV show was just going to produce garbage. Sure, there were a couple of success stories, but for the most part trying to recapture the magic by bringing back an old favorite was just a disaster.

Then, to the shock of pretty well everyone everywhere, the new Battlestar Galactica show turned out to be good. Really good. And the eyebrows of television executives everywhere shot straight up. Why, just thinking about all the other old shows they could bring back probably sent some of them home with a new-found spring in their step. There isn’t a need to come up with a concept or to figure out how to promote the show and let people know what it’s about. Because everyone already knows what it is! It’s brilliant! Or… it would be if the shows were any good.

The new Knight Rider is just the latest in a string of programs proving that, whatever it was the minds behind BSG did, it isn’t easy to duplicate. The first five minutes of the premiere two-hour event (something that usually translates into “a little too much to squeeze into one hour, and not nearly enough to stretch out to two hours, but watch us do it anyhow”) show some promise. There’s some action, some interrogation, and the car is awesome. Then the credits come along and things just head downhill for an hour and fifty-five more minutes. It's not just that the show is clichéd, it's that it's full of old clichés. Some villains want to get something that will start a war and make them money. There’s the hero and the girl. She’s the beautiful and brilliant daughter of a scientist. They dated, but, you know, they're from different worlds. He never called. But now, hey, they're together again and that 60 second conversation pretty well worked out all the problems they had, so let's all work together and have a will they/won’t they thing until this gets mercifully canceled. Also, there was some fast driving.

And, that’s pretty much whatnow and that 60 second conversation pretty well worked out all the problems we had, so let's wor part trying to bring you got out of the whole two hours. Now they can set up the villain of the week format and get down to the business of doing exactly what the old Knight Rider did but with a less charming lead and much better shows to compare it to. Is it possible for a show to have jumped the shark years before it even begins airing? At the end of the movie when David Hasselhoff made his brief appearance, it didn’t leave me thinking, “Yes! What an awesome way to end this!” but rather, “Now, that’s the show I'd rather be watching.”

Suitable for kids?: Yeah, from about age 10 and up. There’s not enough sexual innuendo or tension to be an issue (or to be interesting), and very little violence.

Rating: 2/5