Vantage Point

Vantage Point (2008)

Movie Review

The classic Japanese film Rashomon tells the tale of a murder from four very different perspectives, all of which contradict each other at various times. The movie makes the point that in any given situation, the absolute truth can be nigh impossible to ascertain because every person sees events in such a different way. Vantage Point claims to be doing something similar but seems to have gotten confused along the way and decided that, actually, everyone's perspective would be the same if they were just standing in the same spot. Whereas key plot points might be altered or out of sequence in Rashomon, with Vantage Point it’s more a matter of looking a different direction from someone else.

The movie centers around an apparent attempt on the President of the United States' life and proceeds to show the same twenty minutes or so from six different points of view. The first is a news producer, then we have a secret service agent, a local police officer, a tourist, the president himself, and finally the bad guys (who get conflated into one extended portion that wraps everything up). But rather than have any substantial differences in the way these different people see things, it’s all about what new pieces they can bring to the puzzle, and those pieces are doled out by the movie excruciatingly slowly. While a character may see something absolutely crucial to the plot, the audience isn’t shown what it is (just that person saying something to let us know it’s important, like “Oh my God!” or something clever like that) until later when the plot point is revealed in a different perspective. Vantage Point has nothing to say about the differences in the way people experience the world, but is, instead, basically a simple mystery to be pieced together. Unfortunately, the filmmakers don't play fair and allow the audience to piece the mystery together themselves except for one big twist that is revealed near the end and is also, sadly, ridiculously obvious almost from the very beginning.to be pieced together; one thatbasically a simple thpeople expereincefferent perspective. gs, it'd decided that, in fact, persp Great. So now we have a mystery that we’re not allowed to solve save for one small portion that is a giveaway all along. Any other problems?

Yeah, actually. See, by repeating the events six times the movie eventually gets really boring because we've seen most of this before. I suppose it could be more interesting to watch these things over and over if they were any good the first time, but the cookie-cutter characters don’t have a lot going for them. That’s kind of understandable since we essentially only have 20 minutes to get to know them all, but it doesn’t make it feel any better. The paper-thin plot groans under the weight of repeated viewing anyhow, but when the plight of a small girl gets laid on top of it, I couldn’t help but groan a little myself. On top of that, whatever species this movie is about, it sure isn't human beings. These guys take far more physical abuse than we ever could. Nearly all of the main characters are in close proximity to a large explosion, but it does little more than knock them down. One guyy oringvery beginning.s except for one big twist that is r takes a gut shot but that results in just a bit of wincing. Another guy gets hit by a car, twice, and it hardly breaks his stride. And finally one of them is in a car that gets sandwiched between a semi truck and a brick wall and he just crawls out and runs off. And yet, none of them are wearing the tell-tale glasses of a superhuman…

The movie finally wraps up with a big, long, drawn-out car chase that just gets tiring and is really just a collection of grimacing faces and fancy editing. Believe me, there are better car chases out there if that’s what you’re after. And finally, the go nowhere plot is conveniently wrapped up, the two-dimensional hero saves the day, the bland, unconvincing bad guys whose goal was, I think, everlasting war are defeated handily and the traitor (Oh, um, spoiler alert I guess. I mean, if you’ve never seen a movie ever, it might surprise you that there is a traitor involved.) is taken care of. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief and goes off to watch something else.

Rated: PG-13

Suitable for kids?: No nudity or sex, a lot of people get shot but nothing particularly graphic, and some bad language but not a whole lot. Let’s say yes, but definitely no one under the age of 10 or anyone with a shred of taste.

Anything after the credits: Not a thing.

Rating: 2/5

Chocolate Mix Skittles

Chocolate Mix Skittles

Food Review

I’ll admit that the whole idea of reviewing food, or even specifically candy, isn’t one I thought up on my own. That being said, it sounded like fun so who cares where I may or may not have ripped it off from.

As for Skittles in particular, it seems to me that there are three basic ways to eat them. The first is to separate the flavors and eat them one at a time, savoring and enjoying that particular fruit simulation by itself. The second, and probably the most common, is to simply grab a mix at random and see what it tastes like all jumbled together. The third and final, and I'll admit that I never do this, is what I call the Jelly Belly method where one tries specific combinations of the different flavors in an effort to discover some amazing, new taste sensation. I can't be bothered to do that with Jelly Bellys (Jelly Bellies?) even when they supply you with little recipes, so you can rest assured that it won’t be happening with the Skittles.

So, Chocolate Mix Skittles seem like an odd proposition to me from the very get-go. When I’m in the mood to eat Skittles, I’m probably in the mood for fruity flavors and not chocolate. And when I’m in the mood for chocolate, Skittle is not likely to be the first thing that pops into my mind. Still, I'll try anything once.

The bag informs us that this mix is made up of five flavors, which I will now review separately:

1. S’mores – This should include the flavors of chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. Instead, it kind of tastes like a Tootsie Roll. I’m not getting anything here that makes me think of S’mores. It’s not bad, if you like Tootsie Rolls (And hey, really, who doesn’t?), but , for some reason, I was surprised by the hard candy aspect even though I know what Skittles are like. I had chocolate in mind and my brain just expected it to be chewy. Rating: 2/5

2. Vanilla – How is that a chocolate flavor? Vanilla? Isn't that, like, the antithesis of chocolate? Aren’t they sworn enemies on the battlefields of sweet flavors? Seems like a stretch to me for this to be in a Chocolate Mix. The taste is all right. Kind of a vanilla/cheesecake flavor that is actually pretty enjoyable and definitely a step up from the Tootsie Roll rip-off of the S’mores candies. Rating 4/5

3. Chocolate Caramel – Is this supposed to be chocolate and caramel mixed together or some kind of chocolate flavored caramel? And wouldn’t that just be chocolate syrup? Should I be expecting caramel flavor or not? Whatever the deal is, my bag has far more of this flavor than any other. Could this be the filler of the Chocolate Mix Skittles? Perhaps. And considering these also taste like Tootsie Rolls, I can see why. There's some sort of not-quite-Tootsie-Roll aftertaste, but not enough to make it worth talking about. Rating: 2/5

4. Chocolate Pudding – From the filler to the rarity. I only have a measly six Chocolate Pudding Skittles in my bag, and their color is annoyingly close to that of the Brownie Batter, making the two hard to differentiate. I’ll have to be careful not to eat too many because I need to save some for the final mix. Maybe it won't matter though, because Chocolate Pudding doesn’t seem like a very distinct flavor. Doesn’t it just taste like chocolate? Almost, but not quite. These actually taste like a Jell-O Pudding Pop (Anyone else hear Bill Cosby in their head every time the words “pudding” and “pop” come up?) which isn’t bad, and as least it isn’t another Tootsie Roll retread. Rating 3/5

5. Brownie Batter – Not actual brownies mind you. This is the batter. These Skittles will not be recreating the flavor of brownies that have been baked, but rather that goopy mix you put into the oven that will eventually become brownies. Again, there aren’t a lot of them here; I only got seven. And again it’s annoying that they look so much like Chocolate Pudding. Shockingly, they actually do taste kind of like brownies. Or brownie batter. Or both. But it’s definitely there. Unfortunately, it’s not that great. Rating 2/5

And now, I will take two of each flavor, mix them together, and find out what a sampling of everything tastes like together. My prediction is: Tootsie Roll. We shall see.

And I was mostly right. It tastes like some Tootsie Rolls with something else mixed in, like maybe one of those vanilla-flavored Tootsie Rolls you only see at Halloween. Overall it’s pretty enjoyable, but I can’t shake the feeling that I'd be better off just eating Tootsie Rolls to start with. And it is a little sad that the best flavor in a Chocolate Mix is vanilla. Candy aficionados (if they exist) will want to try these, but as for everyone else, you're not really missing anything.

Suitable for kids?: At 230 calories and 2.5 grams of Saturated Fat per bag (which is one serving) I wouldn’t give them a whole package. Also, once they get all hopped up on the sugar, just don’t bring them around me.

Rating: 2/5

Knight Rider

Knight Rider (2008)

TV Review

Damn you Battlestar Galactica! For years it was pretty well understood that remaking an old TV show was just going to produce garbage. Sure, there were a couple of success stories, but for the most part trying to recapture the magic by bringing back an old favorite was just a disaster.

Then, to the shock of pretty well everyone everywhere, the new Battlestar Galactica show turned out to be good. Really good. And the eyebrows of television executives everywhere shot straight up. Why, just thinking about all the other old shows they could bring back probably sent some of them home with a new-found spring in their step. There isn’t a need to come up with a concept or to figure out how to promote the show and let people know what it’s about. Because everyone already knows what it is! It’s brilliant! Or… it would be if the shows were any good.

The new Knight Rider is just the latest in a string of programs proving that, whatever it was the minds behind BSG did, it isn’t easy to duplicate. The first five minutes of the premiere two-hour event (something that usually translates into “a little too much to squeeze into one hour, and not nearly enough to stretch out to two hours, but watch us do it anyhow”) show some promise. There’s some action, some interrogation, and the car is awesome. Then the credits come along and things just head downhill for an hour and fifty-five more minutes. It's not just that the show is clichéd, it's that it's full of old clichés. Some villains want to get something that will start a war and make them money. There’s the hero and the girl. She’s the beautiful and brilliant daughter of a scientist. They dated, but, you know, they're from different worlds. He never called. But now, hey, they're together again and that 60 second conversation pretty well worked out all the problems they had, so let's all work together and have a will they/won’t they thing until this gets mercifully canceled. Also, there was some fast driving.

And, that’s pretty much whatnow and that 60 second conversation pretty well worked out all the problems we had, so let's wor part trying to bring you got out of the whole two hours. Now they can set up the villain of the week format and get down to the business of doing exactly what the old Knight Rider did but with a less charming lead and much better shows to compare it to. Is it possible for a show to have jumped the shark years before it even begins airing? At the end of the movie when David Hasselhoff made his brief appearance, it didn’t leave me thinking, “Yes! What an awesome way to end this!” but rather, “Now, that’s the show I'd rather be watching.”

Suitable for kids?: Yeah, from about age 10 and up. There’s not enough sexual innuendo or tension to be an issue (or to be interesting), and very little violence.

Rating: 2/5

Yeasayer - All Hour Cymbals

Yeasayer – All Hour Cymbals

Music Review

The debut album from the band Yeasayer isn’t necessarily one that’s going to reach out and grab you right off the bat. Instead, you are more likely to find yourself humming a short refrain or repeating a couple of melodic lyrics and wondering where it came from. The music can seem almost overwhelming at moments, but is actually comprised of many simple parts all layered into a rich whole. The members use a lot of Eastern sounds, specifically reminiscent of Indian music, along with multiple vocal tracks and a dash of indie rock sensibilities. The result is something resembling a Bollywood soundtrack, a drum circle, Built to Spill, and Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Undoubtedly the strongest track on the album, “2080” may make a good litmus test for anyone unsure if that sounds like something they might enjoy. And that’s understandable. It’s a mixture of sounds that could fall apart at any stage of production. If the vocalists weren’t all good singers, if the percussionists weren’t solid, if the levels weren't mixed down just perfectly then any of the songs could quickly become grating, but track after track comes together nicely. They might not all get stuck in your head, but the worst thing you can say about any given song on All Hour Cymbals is that it’s a really nice song. For the best tracks, they've created songs that combine a sense of ancient history with new sounds.

Recommended tracks: Again, “2080” is the best song on the album. If you don’t like it, you likely won’t care for anything else here. "Sunrise" is another great track which allows the music to come more to the forefront. These two together represent the basic sounds of the album and, unsurprisingly, were the two chosen to be on the first single. “Wintertime” dips closer to the indie rock sounds, “Forgiveness” plays heavily with the chanting aspects, and the album comes to a nice close with “Red Cave”, which sums up what the group is doing very well.

Suitable for kids?: Sure. The music tends more towards calming and there was no noticeable cursing. Probably better for kids than pretty much anything on the radio actually.

Rating: 4/5

Welcome to the Captain

Welcome to the Captain
CBS, Mondays at 8:30 EST

TV Show Review

Raquel Welch still looks great, and Jeffrey Tambor always brings charm and great timing to whatever he works on.

And, yep, I think that’s all of the nice stuff I have to say about the new sitcom, Welcome to the Captain. Maybe if the whole show were about Welch and Tambor's characters it would be enjoyable, but it isn't. He's in it only intermittently, and she makes two very small appearances that left me with the impression she might not even be featured in every episode. Instead, the show focuses on Josh Flug, played by Fran Kranz who you'll recognize from... Oh yeah, nowhere. It's nice to see that one guy from American Pie who never did anything else finally getting more work as the buddy who convinces Flug (Is that name supposed to be funny?) to stay in L.A. instead of returning to New York. I guess. And apparently the hopeful future love interest is also on Reba, so you just know she can bring the funny.

Ahem.

When I saw this show was starting up now, I wondered if it had been sitting around since before the writers’ strike started, or if it were simply not written by writers. After watching it, I’m guessing it was written by a couple of unpaid interns circa 1998. Like I said, Tambor is always good when he has something to work with. But here his funniest line is, after mentioning that he used to write for Three’s Company, saying, “Yeah, yeah, I was a writer on T-CO.” Ha. He called Three’s Company “T-CO”. That's a... good one? Oh, and the guy working the front desk of the apartment building is named Jesus, but he pronounces it like the son of God instead of the way you would normally expect a Hispanic person to. Kind of like in The Big Lebowski except without all of the stuff that made that funny. Oh, and we already have The Big Lebowski. So this is like someone saying, "You like Turkey and mayo sandwiches? Well, I made one with just mayo! Isn't that great?" No. at funny. Oh, and we alreqd that made that funny. sonf to write for g around since before the wirter'No, it isn’t.

I don’t know what else to say. This show isn’t funny. Ever. And there’s not even the promise of future funny. Some people might say that it’s unfair to judge the show based solely on the pilot, but honestly that’s how the networks do it and there are plenty of shows whose first episodes weren't that funny, but at least showed how the series could be funny. This one just makes me want to watch something else.

Suitable for kids: Not really. Too much sexual innuendo. That being said, it’s not really suitable for human consumption at all.

Rating: 1/5

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay

By Michael Chabon

Book Review

As I read through this book, I kept wondering if I my lifelong love of comic books was simply adding another level to my enjoyment of it, or if it was actually the main reason I was appreciating it. Would someone who hadn't grown up obsessing over superhero exploits past and present still find this novel such a joy? Or would they simply wonder why the author kept muddling his narrative with all of this talk about silly stories of grown men in their underwear? The "Winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction” blurb on the cover reassured me to some extent, but experience with movies has taught me that award-winning doesn't necessarily mean good.

However, when all is said and done, I think this story really speaks to something that anyone can relate to. You might connect a little more strongly to the main characters if you are a comic book fan, but you might connect even stronger if you are Jewish, or any minority, or a dreamer, or someone who has been in war or been close to someone who was in war, or if you lived in New York, or any of a hundred other types of people.

The story focuses on two young Jewish boys, one a born-and-bred New Yorker, and the other, his cousin, a refugee from Prague. They become quick friends and find their fortune in the creation of a comic book character called The Escapist during the comic book boom that followed the debut of Superman in the late 30s. But to say that the book is about comic books or about superheroes would be ridiculous. It's about the lives of these two men and the routes that they end up taking through them as World War II, along with any number of other events, comes about. It touches on the disenfranchisement felt by immigrants, the difficulty of being a homosexual during that period, the beginnings of suburbia, and the wonder of childhood characters if you are a comic book fan, but you might connect even stronger if you are Je, in addition to being something of a history lesson on the creation and publication of superhero comics.

Chabon is simply a masterful writer. Whenever he begins to build the characters up and give them a hope of real happiness, the reader can tell that something terrible is around the corner. But the true measure of his expertise comes from the fact that you can’t help but get excited for them. You know a catastrophe is looming, yet the desire to see them succeed and be happy, and the hope that it is possible, simply won’t allow you to remain totally cynical. The other thing I feel the need to point out is that Chabon’s use of language is a joy to read. His descriptions and the way everything is structured are English at its best. He could write a novel about American Idol and I’d probably find it a pleasurable read.

So, to wrap it up, you owe it to yourself to read this book no matter who you are. I have nothing bad to say about it. I haven't read a book this good in so long I think I had forgotten that they existed. I almost hesitated to praise the book so heavily because I was concerned that I might have raised expectations too much, but, honestly, I feel confident that the book can take it.

Suitable for kids?: Middle School and up, depending on their reading ability. Younger kids would be too confused by much of the book, and the passages dealing with homosexuality and war, while not at all graphic, may be a bit too adult.

Rating: 5/5

Rambo

Film Review

The awesomeness of any given scene in Rambo is inversely proportional to how much dialogue it has. When there’s nothing coming out of the characters’ mouths except for panting and grunting as they run and shoot and fall down, the movie’s action sequences are almost breathtaking. But as soon as the characters start yapping the enjoyment level begins to drop, and in those moments when they begin to expound upon human rights or dignity or religion or anything with any level of importance it just becomes cringeworthy.

Still, no one should be going in to see this with the expectation that they’ll be getting any kind of profound statement on... anything. If you're like me then you simply want some well-paced action, big explosions, and (I'll admit it) lots of blood and guts. And you’ll get that. Boy, will you ever. Rambo makes The Passion of the Christ look like Jesus Christ Superstar. When the bullets are flying, it's at the top of its game and everything is great. The problem arises from the fact that the bits in between all the killing are just so bad. The obvious plot and poorly written dialogue are to be expected, sure. And the main villain being cartoonishly evil is nothing new either. But did he have to be this cartoonish? A guy who silently watches from his car, while smoking non-stop and wearing reflective sunglasses like something straight out of Smokey and the Bandit? Oh yeah, and he also rapes a young boy. So, now he's a gay, pedophile smoker with state trooper sunglasses. If they'd given him a Russian accent I think they would have hit every villain cliché ever. But even this didn’t actually bother me so much as make me chuckle and roll my eyes.

What did bother me was the underlying racism throughout the movie. Basically, John Rambo has given up on life. He knows atrocities are being committed in Burma, near where he lives, but he doesn’t care about anything. Until a white woman asks him to do something. Then it matters. And when she gets kidnapped, he has to go after her. And when she’s in danger of being sexually assaulted, he kills the guy doing it with his bare hands. In fact, her well-being and sexual purity are of paramount importance to seemingly every person in the movie, good or bad. It's like every single character said, "Yeah, we know that Burmese women and children are being brutally murdered, raped, and who knows what else. But we can't do anything about that. Holy cow, is that a white chick?!?! Well, now some people gotta die!”

Of course, just as this is starting to bother you, some stuff blows up. Real good. And that’s why you’re there, so you’ll be back to enjoying it pretty quickly. You might want to make a donation to a charity for relief in Burma or Darfur afterwards, to help wash the taste out of your mouth, but you'll probably enjoy the trip. I mean, seriously, that stuff blows up REAL GOOD.

Rated: R

Suitable for kids?: No, not at all. Earns every aspect of its “R” rating.

Anything after the credits?: Nope. No reason to stick around.

Rating: 3/5

New Format!!

Welcome!

Whether you are a newcomer or an old friend, welcome to the beginning of the newest phase of my personal blog. It has been sitting here (in imaginary internet space) not getting used for a long time, so it’s something of a miracle that I even remembered I had it. Basically, I could never be bothered to write anything here because nothing ever really struck me as blog-worthy. Anything happening in my daily life was something I had already told to the people I wanted to know about it.

But I have always wanted to review stuff. Movies, books, comic books, music, TV shows… You name it, I want to tell someone my opinion on it. So, I finally decided that now was the time to just start.

My goal is to get at least three reviews up here every week, but it may go a little slower at first while I get the hang of it and try to get into the swing of writing these regularly. I intend to keep them all to about one page of text or less, so I don’t ramble too much. And just to let you know how my ratings will work, here’s a breakdown:

1/5 – Bad

2/5 – Not Good

3/5 – Good

4/5 – Very Good

5/5 – Great

So, anything with a 1/5 should just be avoided at all costs. Something I give 2/5 to is bad, but it could have been worse. Still, probably not worth your time. 3/5 will probably be the most common rating given out, because it denotes something sort of mediocre. Not great, but not terrible. There are likely things to enjoy in there, but they are obscured by problems throughout the piece. 4/5 is something you should definitely check out when you get the chance. It will be something that I feel very confident suggesting you experience, while 5/5 is not to be missed. There won’t be a lot of these, because frankly there isn’t that much out there that deserves it. But when they come along I’m going to throw them in there and you’ll want to run out and see or read or hear whatever it is as soon as you can.

And that’s the idea. Thanks for dropping by and I hope you come back. Oh, and leave some comments for me, would you? Thanks!

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Monday's Lunch: Fish... again

Okay, so I obviously missed Friday's school lunch, but I have a good reason: I didn't have one. See, usually on Fridays I go to the elementary school for the day, with the exception of about an hour spent next door at the kindergarten. So, I eat the elementary's lunch, which as I mentioned before is the same as junior high's. However, every once in a great while, and this past Friday was one of them, I spend the whole day at kindergarten and I have to bring my own lunch. I don't mind so much. It's a shorter day and I like a good sandwich and salad combination once in a while. But, unfortunately, this past Friday was curry and rice day and that's probably my favorite lunch here. It's not just me though; that lunch consistently ranks in the top three (usually number one) during the annual lunch survey held by the School Lunch Center. Liesje did get to eat the curry and was kind enough to send me a photo (taken with her cell phone):And to add insult to injury, they even got ice cream with it. That's what the little blue thing up top is. *Sigh*

Well, since I missed Friday I decided to go ahead and do today's, Monday's, instead. And I'm glad I did since this was a very typical lunch. [And for the record, I forgot my digital camera so these were also taken with my cell phone.]


Yes, this is an excellent example of the standard Japanese school lunch in many different ways. Allow me to go into a bit more detail...

Main Dish: Sanma no Kabayaki (Broiled Pikefish)

Sanma is one of many dishes that I had eaten several times before ever bothering to look it up in my dictionary (usually at the behest of a Japanese person). And when I do, I realize that I haven't got any better an idea what it is than I did before I looked it up. Is a pikefish tasty? Do we even eat them in America? I don't know.

This is probably the only thing we get here, other then the Japanese "omelets", that I actually don't like. Today's was far better than normal because there was a sauce on top and it was a smaller piece than usual. See, another problem with sanma is just the way it's prepared. They tend to chop off the ends of the fish and then cook it as is. So, the skin is still on and the bones are definitely still inside. I usually take the extra time to pick the skin off of the fish myself. I don't consider myself a picky eater, it's just something I prefer. I have seen other teachers do it here as well, but today I was the only one out of nine people who didn't eat the skin. I also usually take some time to pick the bones out, at least the ones I can see. I know they are cooked enough that they have been softened. I've been told this time and again, even by elementary school kids (who eat them with no hesitation). Again, I'm just not a fan of fish bones. Thanks.

But, like I said, today's was better than normal. The skin came off easily and there were very few bones. And since it was a small piece the whole experience was over quickly. I just don't think that's how you should approach your lunch. And the fact they we get this fish at least once a month (usually twice) casts a shadow upon school lunch that cannot be removed.


Side Dish: Kiriboshi Daikon no Nitsuke (Thinly Cut and Dried Daikon Boiled Hard With Soy Sauce)

Every bit as delicious as the name makes it sound. By the way, "boiled hard" doesn't mean that they only boil it a bit so it's still hard. It means that they boil it hard in order to crush its spirit. Yes, let's take some radish (that's essentially what a daikon is), cut it into strips and then boil it with a dash of soy sauce until it's completely limp and flavorless. Let's also take some tofu and fry that, but then boil it as well to remove any life it might have had. And finally, for color, we can boil some carrots in there. Make sure they haven't got any taste in them when they come out!

I actually pulled out a few of the carrot slices and ate them separately, and they still didn't have any flavor. As much as I hate to say it, this is what I expect from the side dishes in my school lunch. Something with no flavor and a texture that can best be described as "would make good brains or guts for kids to stick their hands in, while not looking, at a haunted house". I get something like this two or three times a week.

Soup: Shirotama Mochi Nyuu Sawani Wan (Sawani [a kind of fish] Soup With White Mochi Balls)


I like mochi. I think it's really pretty good, when prepared correctly. Mochi is what would have happened if someone had made marshmallows out of rice instead of sugar. It would be much more cohesive and heavier, and wouldn't be sweet at all. It's kind of fun to eat, and it's really chewy. It is not, however, bursting with flavor. That's why you typically eat mochi with something on top of it. Sweet bean paste or something of the sort. It is also put into soups, like it was today. But obviously, since it's really just rice that was made with too much water and cooked for far too long, it can't be the centerpiece of the soup. It can't give any flavor to a soup, it can only interact with what the soup already has.

That's why today's soup was not so great. I guess there was supposed to be fish in there. I didn't really notice, so perhaps it was more of a base or maybe it was finely shredded. I did notice the mushroom and burdock; two more things that aren't bursting with flavor. And while I enjoyed eating the mochi like always, it was diminished a bit by being part of such a lousy soup. Again, this is not atypical at all. We get soup like this all the time.

Bonus: Orange

But at least I had some oranges to pick me up when everything was over. No matter how many bones are in the fish, or how slimy the side dish is, or how bland the soup may be, having fruit always makes the meal end on a high note. I mean, you can't mess up oranges, right? All you have to do is pluck and cut. That's it!

And here's where my aforementioned time in Florida bites me on the behind. My last bite of my last school lunch for this blog, and it's a disappointment. I don't think I've ever had oranges this flavorless in my entire life. And considering that this week saw the best citrus I've had in Japan, that's especially disappointing. Still, it only makes sense. Going out like this is sort of poetically perfect for this little project. These oranges sum up what school lunch is all about here: Not bad, but disappointing.

Total Calories: 758

That's is for the week of lunches. I'll write up a summary and wrap-up in a day or two so check back for that.

Thursday's Lunch: Eggs

Oh, lucky you! You get to see one of my least favorite lunches of all time! Not only do we get one of Japan's most egregious takes on Western food, we also get... bread! According to the menu, this is a "butter roll":
I imagine them using one stick of butter for every 5000 of these they made, because that is about how much butter taste makes it into the final product. Basically, it's just a big lump of white bread, but without even the paltry serving of jam we got on Tuesday.

And it doesn't get much better from there...

Main Dish: Omuretsu no Mariana Sosu (Omelet with Mariana Sauce)

This is quite possibly the perfect example of the Japanese adopting things from the West with no real understanding of them. From what I can gather, Japanese people enjoy their version of omelets, so more power to them. For me, it falls near the lower end of "I can eat it if I have to", just barely coming in above "Only if I'm starving". Have you ever had the eggs you get in microwavable breakfasts? The ones that are lifeless and floppy and give you some doubt as to whether or not they actually came from a chicken at all? Well, get a big chunk of those (no, don't break them up or fluff them in any way that might make them look a bit more appetizing), cover it in what is essentially watery ketchup, and then throw some soggy onion strips on top. Voila! Japanese Omelet! What? How is this an omelet at all? There's nothing in it. It's just bad eggs formed into the shape of a croissant. Sadly, this thing shows up on my lunch tray about once a month. As a bonus, you can get little chunks of the same eggs on top of rice at every sushi restaurant in Japan. Because, yeah, when I go out to eat some delicious fish and seafood, I'd like to chase it down with some cold Egg Beaters product. Yeah. Sure.

Side Dish: Sotei (Sauté)

Why this dish is called sauté was not only beyond me, but every other teacher in the room as well. What part of this was sautéed? The whole thing? I find that hard to believe. Considering the only meat in it was actually fish, and even then it was chikuwa (a kind of steamed fish paste), I don't think sautéing came into the picture at all here. Besides the non-sautéed fish paste, it also included bean sprouts, cauliflower and green peppers. Overall, the dish wasn't too bad although they used a bit too much pepper. Actually, now that I think about it, pepper was about all you could taste. Maybe they just forgot to sauté it and threw pepper in instead? We may never know.

Soup: ABC Soup

Pretty much what it sounds like: soup with little pieces of pasta shaped like the alphabet. I have always wondered why they don't have soup with Japanese characters here. Maybe they're too complicated to turn into pasta. Anyhow, this is like a mediocre chicken noodle soup, but with shrimp instead of chicken. You get the little macaronis, shrimp, parsley, carrots and celery. Nothing exciting, but almost the highlight of the meal. Fortunately, I got to finish off with...

Bonus: Iyokan (Tangerine)

Recently there was some discussion in the mailing list for Miyagi Prefecture JETs about what to call different versions of oranges here. Is a mikan an orange? A tangerine? A mandarin orange? A clementine? Or should we call it a mikan all the time? The iyokan didn't come up in the discussion, and it's not in my dictionary either, so I'm calling it a tangerine, because that's what I thought it was until I looked at the menu afterwards. So, yeah, just imagine a tangerine. Pretty tasty, but as I mentioned on Monday, citrus is overall disappointing here as compared to Florida. Still, after the above meal (especially that stupid omelet) this was the best part of lunch today.

Total Calories: 821

It's hard to decide which lunch I liked less: yesterday's or today's. At least today I had the tangerine and the soup, whereas yesterday was completely devoid of any kind of flavor at all. Despite my genuine dislike for the omelet (keep in mind this did not stop me from eating it), I think I will have to say yesterday's bland meal was worse. However, these are both very common school lunches here. Lucky me.

Wednesday's Lunch: Fish

Today was a very typical school lunch for me, meaning that it can be summed up in one word: bland. Probably the tastiest thing about it was the rice, and then only because it was special rice. We get a little metal tin of plain white rice every day except on very rare occasions. Maybe twice a year we get something a little different. Today we had hijiki rice. Remember hijiki from Monday? The type of seaweed? Well, it's back and it (along with a couple of mystery elements I couldn't identify) has been mixed into our rice to add a bit of flavor. Take a look:

I know it doesn't look exciting, and it's not, but compared to everything else...

Main Dish: Katsuo Yakihitashi (Fried Bonito)

Bonito is a kind of fish, for those of you who may not know (I certainly wouldn't have). Actually, it's a kind of mackerel. The name here means that it has been dipped and fried (not deep-fried, mind you). What was it dipped in? I can't say, but I would guess soy sauce if I had to. This isn't something we have particularly often. At least, I don't think so anyhow. We have a non-descript piece of fish for our main dish so regularly that it's hard to keep them straight. It tastes all right though, and has maintained a bit more of the fishy flavor than Monday's tuna, which is kind of nice. Not bad, but nothing I would ever order off of a menu.

Side Dish: Ohitashi (Soy Spinach)

So, I could taste some soy on the fish, but when I eat the dish that is specifically supposed to be seasoned with soy sauce I don't even notice it. Hmmm... This name is a little misleading in other ways because spinach was probably the most minor of all the ingredients. There were definitely more bean sprouts in there than spinach. I genuinely like the flavor of spinach which has worked out well for me since we have it at least once a week. Too bad this dish didn't taste like spinach. Or anything else for that matter.

Soup: Maitake Jiru (Maitake Mushroom Soup)

When the broth is the tastiest ingredient in your soup, you have failed at making soup. This contained two types of bland mushrooms and some tofu. Yeah, tofu can be really good. It is remarkable at absorbing the flavors of whatever you cook it with. Of course, if the things it's being cooked alongside of are also flavorless, then you just get some floppy, bland, white stuff. There was also a slice of sasakama, which is the little flowery looking thing. This is a small disc shaped item made from kamaboko (steamed fish paste) that you almost always see in soup here. I like them, although there are plenty of people who can't stand to eat it (Liesje included). But somehow, today's soup was so boring it sapped what little flavor the sasakama might normally have right out of it. This kind of soup (and its several, nearly identical, mushroom-based friends) is a mainstay of school lunch here. I would say I eat something basically like this twice a week. No wonder they drink their soup here instead of using a spoon; they just want to be done with it.

Total Calories: 633

As usual, there was nothing in today's lunch that I disliked and I was able to eat everything with no trouble. However, this was a very typical lunch in that there was also nothing in it that I actually liked either. Something basically the same as this is served at least once a week, and I've had similar lunches three times in five days before. This is the chili-mac of Japanese school lunch: fried fish with soy, spinach and something else, mushroom and tofu soup. So boring. Soooo booooring.

Tuesday's Lunch: Shrimp

Since today is Tuesday, we get bread instead of rice. For about my first year and a half here, the school secretary made onigiri (rice balls) every Tuesday and Thursday so everyone could get their carbohydrates from a more traditionally Japanese source. However, she transferred out last year and we didn't get a replacement so now it's either eat bread or no carbs for you! Some teachers do choose the "no carbs" route on bread day. It's true.

And sometimes I can't blame them. Two pieces of plain white bread and enough jam to cover half of one of them? Yeah, not so great. I think that many Japanese people assume that, since they eat plain white rice, we must eat plain white bread! Take a look at today's bread:
It's like a big hot dog bun, but with no slit in it. Then it comes with a packet of blueberry jam. Where are we supposed to put it? I always tear it open down the side as best as I can and put the jam in it that way. Other teachers tear off a mouthful and put a little jam on each bite before they eat it. Either way, it's kind of goofy. Even still, it's nice to get a break from the rice. And this jam had extra fiber! Anyhow, on to today's lunch...

Main Dish: Ebi Katsu (Fried Shrimp Patties)

"Katsu" is a shortening of the transliteration of the English word "cutlet" (it becomes "katsuretto" and then just "katsu"). The most common kind of katsu is tonkatsu, or pork cutlets. That may just sound like a bit of meat to you, but it includes the meaning of being breaded and deep-fried here. So, tonkatsu is usually translated at "deep-fried pork cutlets". Of course, that doesn't work well for shrimp, since a shrimp cutlet is kind of ridiculous. But since the shrimp is made into a patty and then breaded and fried in basically the same way, and since the vast majority of Japanese people probably have no idea where the word katsu even comes from, we get to have shrimp katsu, or ebi katsu. It was tasty. Nothing to write home about. Actually, it probably could have used a bit of sauce. Still, a nice main dish for the day and not something we see very often.

Side Dish: Chuuka Ae (Chinese Mix)

I was actually surprised when I looked up the name for this after eating it, and to be honest I've had this several times. Nothing about it says "Chinese" to me. But if the Japanese version of Chinese is as accurate as the Japanese version of Italian tends to be, this dish might have originally been roasted lamb sandwiches for all I know. It was actually quite simple. Just a combination of some small strips of roasted ham, bean sprouts, cucumber and some chanpon-men (a kind of thin, clear noodles). Pretty good to be honest. But did we really need more noodles in there considering what the soup is? I wonder if the simple "just mix some stuff together and call it Chinese" methodology here is why we get this one often?

Soup: Miso Ramen

I'm assuming everyone knows what ramen noodles are. Although we tend to associate them with the cheap, instant kind, they are just a type of noodle in Japan and they are infinitely better here. Today's ramen noodle soup was a miso base, at least according to the menu. I couldn't taste it. In with the ramen we also got some boiled pork, cabbage, carrots, onions, corn, scallions and kikurage mushrooms (again, I'm trusting the menu here because I didn't see any mushrooms anywhere). This was pretty good too and not too salty, which the soup tends to be. Ramen tends to be a bit of a treat since it's something people actually want to eat, and not something we see too often. Maybe only a few times a year.

Total Calories: 760

Although the bread was nothing to write home about (and yet I am), today's lunch was another good one. Not a meal I would normally mention, but for school lunch I certainly can't complain.

Monday's Lunch: Fish

Every day our school lunch is made up of three basic components: a main dish (usually fish or meat), a side dish (usually vegetables) and a soup. This is not set in stone, but 99% of the time that's what we get. In addition to that we get a carton of milk and then either rice (Mon., Wed., Fri.) or bread (Tues., Thurs.). That basic pattern will probably be what you see all week, and today is no exception.

Main Dish: Maguro no Goma-Miso Kake (Tuna with a Sesame-Miso Sauce)

This was pretty tasty actually. The sauce on top was applied lightly, which is a rarity here. For some reason Japanese people tend to slather whatever topping they're using all over their food. Something that will probably come up time and again this week is that they are all about simple flavors being brought out strongly. It's not uncommon for food here to be salty or bitter or sweet, and that's all there is to it with little or no depth. Today, however, the fish was quite tasty, although a bit saltier than it needed to be. The flavor of the tuna was lost a bit but not bad for a school lunch.

Side Dish: Hijiki no Nimono (Boiled Seaweed)

According to my dictionary, "hijiki" is "a kind of edible seaweed that grows in clusters in rocky areas along the coastlines". It tastes better than it sounds. Still, this falls into this large category of foods I have tried since coming to Japan that are neither good nor bad, just edible. I can eat it no problem when it's part of a meal put in front of me, but I'm never going to choose to eat it. There are some carrots and beans thrown in for good measure, to make it a little more interesting. Emphasis on "little".

Soup: Tonjiru (Pork Soup)

The name sounds funny in English, I know. It's basically just some boiled pork, carrots, potatoes, tofu and daikon (a large Japanese radish). Pretty tasty, but again saltier than it needed to be. I've had tonjiru several times and I genuinely like it, despite not being a big fan of daikon. When the daikon is boiled or cooked into something it's fine. But sometimes you'll just have cold, shredded daikon (occasionally as a topping) and that's not something I enjoy. This soup, on the other hand, was quite tasty.

Bonus: Grapefruit

Just a slice of grapefruit, although there was extra so I got two slices. Nothing really worth mentioning. I thought this was some of the best grapefruit I've had here, but coming from Florida I've found citrus to be generally lacking here in Japan.

Extra Bonus: Yogurt

This wasn't part of the school lunch officially, but something the school nurse whipped up. A little over two weeks ago she apparently decided that too much milk was going to waste from students not drinking it, so she began saving it and making yogurt. I don't remember ever having plain yogurt before this. It was only about five years ago that I even realized there was such a thing. Before that I kind of assumed that vanilla yogurt was plain yogurt. This stuff is good, but we've been having it every day for nearly three weeks now, so it's getting a little old.

Total Calories: 822

Overall, today was a good lunch. Part of me is hoping we get something nasty this week to make this more interesting, but mostly I'd rather everyday be something good like today. As interesting as an overcooked, pregnant, whole fish might be for you to see, I'd be just fine if I didn't have to eat it.

A Week With My Lunch

I should probably point out at the onset that this may very well be completely uninteresting to everyone. However, since I can imagine someone finding it amusing, or even actually fascinating (I suppose that person could be out there), and, primarily, because I think it will be fun for me I'm going to barrel right ahead.

Starting next week I'm going to be posting pictures of my school lunch each day along with a description of the food and a basic review of how good it was. Anyone not living in Japan might find this interesting as an example of, not just Japanese food, but exactly what school lunch is like here. And for those of you in Japan, well, maybe you can just compare my school lunch to yours and gloat about how much better off you are. Unless you're Jeff. His school lunch sucks.

So, that's all going to be starting on Monday, but I figured it would be a good idea to spend a little time today talking about the basics of how school lunch works here.

First of all, I'd say the biggest difference between school lunch in Japan and in the States is that, here, everyone eats it. Every single student in the school eats the lunch whether they want to or not. No one brings anything from home. They're not allowed to. I suppose this could be considered one of the advantages of a uni-cultural country: everyone likes the same food. There are no vegetarians or people with religious dietary restrictions. I suppose there might be some of that in Tokyo or other very large cities, but for the most part it just doesn't exist. Because of this, we JETs are also expected to eat the school lunch. If the students were to see us eating whatever they want, they would feel it was unfair and that they, too, should be able to eat what they want. If you came on the JET Program as a vegetarian or Muslim or Jew, well, suck it up. You can either learn to eat it, learn to be hungry, or start keeping snacks in your desk. Since I can eat just about anything you put in front of me, I don't mind. But for others, this insistence on conformity can be a little more difficult to swallow.

Now, this isn't 100%. My girlfriend, for example, simply told her school that she wouldn't be getting school lunch any more. She didn't like it at all and was hardly eating anything each day, leaving her extremely hungry for the last few hours of work. They accepted this (begrudgingly) at her junior high school, but she still has to eat the school lunch at Elementary school, which, of course, led to a lot of red tape concerning how to charge her for eating at one school and not another. (I found that amusing since the same office charges me separately for my junior high and elementary lunches and has been doing so for quite some time.) She has also been pretty well shunned from eating with the other teachers, but I don't think she really minded that too much.

That's probably the second big difference about lunch here: the absence of a lunch room. The students eat at their desks in their homeroom with their homeroom teacher, and the teachers either eat at their desk or they gather in the meeting room (or somewhere similar). In my school, we all gather in the meeting room. Everyone trickles in as they can, but we all wait for every person to finish before we get up and clean everything up.

Of course, not only is there no lunch room, there's no cafeteria. At least, not at my school. Some have them, and some don't. But not having a cafeteria is pretty common here. Our lunches are delivered everyday from the Kurihara City School Lunch Center. They drop everything off in the morning and pick it up in the afternoon. This is the cleanup we have to do. We have to get everything packed back into the giant metal containers so the trucks can take it away and fill it with more lunch the next day.

Other than that, school lunch is school lunch. It varies a bit from place to place, but you probably get the basic idea. It costs me 290 yen per day, which at the moment is about $2.40 US. I pay this at the end of the month and it usually comes out to somewhere around 5000 yen ($42) I think.

And that's my kyuushoku in a nut shell. For a more in-depth analysis of the sometimes awesome, usually bland, occasionally terrible food I have to eat Monday through Friday whether I like it or not, tune in next week.

Blowing in the Wind

The Japanese Teacher of English (JTE) that I work with, Mr. Okanobu, is pretty good at English. At least, he's better than any of the other JTEs I have worked with in the past. Still, he makes mistakes, and occasionally these mistakes are amusing. Once in a while, they're even worth remembering and telling people about.

Today we were going through a bland, soul-crushingly boring story called "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf" with the 9th graders. As far as I can tell, this story was included in the textbook to continue the depressing atmosphere in the English classroom that was created in the 8th grade textbook when we had to teach A Mother's Lullaby. That story centered on a young girl and boy slowly dying after the bombing of Hiroshima. Then the next year they get a story about a leaf which includes the line (and this is a direct quote), "Everything dies." And yet, the kids aren't that excited to come to English class...

So, after a brief respite from the drudgery during which a student made a joke about Freddie the leaf being Freddy from A Nightmare on Elm Street, the leaf (slicing off heads as he slowly floats to the ground) we got down to the business of examining the story grammatically. Near the end of the story, when Freddie finally dies, there is a sentence that reads, "Some of the leaves were blown off by a strong cold wind." In order to help explain how the sentence works, my JTE changed it to, "Mr. Kevin was blown off by a strong cold wind." He then blew some air at me. I, in my usual clown-like manner, pretended to have been blown against the wall by this. Two students grinned. Fun was had by all.

Anyhow, the point to all of this is that Mr. Okanobu then looked over at one of the better students, named Hikaru. He then looked right at me and said, "Mr. Kevin, please blow off Hikaru."



For the record, I did not.

So, I've had this comic book in my head for a loooong time. Actually, the genesis was when I was only 12 years old. At the time, it was pretty much an X-Men rip-off, but I think there were some good ideas in there. Over the years I kept trying to tweak the story as I got older and realized it wasn't very good. Eventually (when I was in college), I finally realized it was fundamentally flawed and I needed to completely rewrite it instead of trying to fix it. A friend (my old roommate Kevin Savage) gave me the idea of focusing on this one character, who was actually kind of minor in what I had before. That character, named Vince because he is inVINCible (come on, I was 12) has been alive since the dawn of civilization and can't die. So, the book follows him, jumping around in time and showing how he affected history and how history affected him at different times.

Well, that's what been in my head forever and ever but I never found anyone to draw it. Until I met Liesje here in Japan. She was actually excited about it and pushed me to write a couple of pages so we could do them for the Art show they hold here in Miyagi every year. The amazing thing is that I did write them and she drew them and now they exist. These are intended to be two "prequel" pages that take place right before the beginning of issue one.

We've had to put it on the back burner for now because of other things like the MAJET play, the short film we just made, and The Drum (the Miyagi magazine we work on). But it will happen. Oh yes, it will.

Anyhow, figured I'd post the two pages here. Today you get page 1. And at some point in the future I will put #2 up.

o Well, for some of you it may seem like it's been a while (because it has) and for some of you this may feel like your very first issue of The Drum ever (because it is)! A lot of people are coming back to The Drum after a nice summer vacation. Perhaps you even traveled out of the country, so you also had to come back to Japan. Maybe just out of the area, so you had to come back to Miyagi. Either way, you second and third years have all had to go back to work, just as all of your students have had to go back to school. And hey, did you notice we accidentally put the whole issue together backwards? The pages still read like they normally would (that's left to right for those of you not paying attention), they're just in reverse order. Going from... wait for it... back to front.
And it's because of all of these myriad and, let's be honest here, trite ways that I can shoehorn the word "back" into this editorial that you now hold in your hands The Drum's All New Back Issue! "How can a back issue be all new?" you may ask. "Isn't the very definition of 'back issue' an issue that is not current, and therefore not new?" you may also ask. "Isn't this just another of your horribly weak attempts at comedy?" you may then inquire. And I will say, "No! This is absolutely not another of my weak attempts at comedy!"

It's Kennard's. Blame him.

My weak attempt at comedy is on page 16. Blame me for that one.

Anyhow, our regular features are ba-... I mean, returning. Heather's From the Land of Near Noon is here with another couple of great entries. And Geekin' Out is also here with a decidedly non-technical article. We've also got a very special version of He Said, She Said, our regular movie reviews, and something to do with Babyback Ribs. (Come on, you didn't see that one coming?) On the completely useless side is the Back to the Future article featuring interviews from tomorrow! And on the much more useful end of the spectrum we have advice for your next Disney vacation and a tutorial on how to use Bit Torrent. Once you're hooked up to Bit Torrent, check out the new season of TV Shows by using our handy guide.

And last, but certainly not least, be sure to read all about this year's MAJET Panto on page 5. This is an amazing event that MAJET sponsors every year, but we they need your help to do it! So, go check it out and get involved. Trust me, this is one of the things that people talk about for the rest of the year.

So, it's great to be back, even if it did take us longer than expected. Keep those submissions coming and let's make this the best year of The Drum ever!

Kevin Davies
Editor In Chief

Now that we've established my absolute willingness to whore myself in any way possible in order to make a connection with this month's theme, let's go BACK and revisit some classic movies and see how they've aged.
And by "classic" I mean "stuff from when I was a kid". Except for the ones I saw as an adult. I guess "classic" just means "made before the year 2000".

(Note: I downloaded every one of these movies through Bit Torrent (See page 16 for details!) so you should have no trouble getting any of them.)

Lost Boys (1987)
Listen to the names of the cast for this one: Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, Keifer Sutherland. Okay, now go wash the 80s off of you. I mean, damn, there are two Goonies in there for crying out loud! This movie is absolutely dripping with the 80s. The soundtrack alone will give you an intense desire to buy a lot of hairspray. This is not to say it's bad. There's some reasonably cool vampire stuff in here. It's definitely fun to see Bill of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure take a stake through the heart. And while the movie gets a little confused when it tries to switch from comedy to horror and back again (and again, and again), it's actually held up better than a lot of monster movies.
Final verdict: Worth revisiting, if you're a fan of vampires and aren't afraid of revisiting the 80s full-force.

Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Dark Horse Comics recently started a new Conan comic book that takes the character back to his origins by recreating the original Robert E. Howard stories. Having been a fan of it for about a year, I decided I wanted to rewatch the Schwarzenegger Conan movies that I loved so much as a little boy, beginning with the classic Conan the Barbarian. Man, what a piece of crap. It starts by reducing most of his life to simply pushing a grist mill. Somehow this tedious action turns him into a super-buff and extremely well toned man, who also knows how to sword fight better than anyone. Huh? Then, it's simply downhill from there. You may get a moment of excitement when you find out James Earl Jones is playing the villain, but the movie will be putting you back to sleep momentarily. It's almost unbelievable how boring this mo... *snore*
Final verdict: Stay away!

Conan the Destroyer (1984)
After seeing how bad the first one truly was, I'm not even sure what convinced me to sit through the sequel. Especially since it is commonly accepted that Destroyer is nowhere near as good as Barbarian. Good lord, how is that possible? Well, I'm glad I did watch it because the common knowledge in this case is bollocks. Destroyer is much faster paced than the original, and also takes itself a bit less serious (which helps, believe me). The addition of a posse for Conan actually works, and one of them is Grace Jones! How weird is that? Basically, the second movie just speeds things along nicely and gives you the cheesy sword and sorcery movie you're looking for.
Final verdict: Worth revisiting if you're into the fantasy stuff and don't mind starting with a sequel.

The Breakfast Club (1985)
John Huston really knew how to make 80's teen angst seem really interesting. And that's a good thing because otherwise setting an entire movie in a library and having the plot simply be "kids from different cliques get to know each other a little better" would have been a snoozefest. But the actors are pretty strong (not surprising since they were the Brat Pack and all went on to successful careers) and the writing isn't too ridiculous. Some scenes are awfully hard to swallow, but overall it's a pretty good movie. And although the ending seems really trite with everyone becoming good friends, take a closer look. Which girl does the nerd end up with?
Final verdict: Worth revisiting, if for no other reason than to get all of the references that are made to this movie. "You want another one?" "Yeah!"

48 Hours (1982)
Nick Nolte as a hard-boiled cop. Eddie Murphy in his debut role as a prisoner. They don't like each other, but they've got to work together. What could possibly stop this from being a great movie? Well, for starters you could not make it a comedy! Yeah, that would screw it up for sure. Then you could have some really, reeaally fake fight scenes, a lot of gratuitous breast shots, a few boring car chases and a plot that never even leaves the apartment, much less goes anywhere. Yep, that would definitely make this kinda suck.
Final verdict: Kinda sucks. Wouldn't bother if I were you.

Police Academy (1984)
How many of these did they eventually make? Eight? Ten? Not to mention the TV series and the cartoon (Oh yeah, you thought I forgot about the cartoon didn't you? I even remember the action figures!). So, the first one must have been really funny to kick off a franchise that big. Right? Right?!? Yeah, not so much. The first half of the movie has barely any laughs in it, and those are almost all from Michael Winslow (the sound effects guy). Near the end you get a couple more and the big ones (Remember the commandant's speech and the surprise waiting in the podium?) are still pretty damn funny. But overall it's hard to see how this is a comedy classic.
Final verdict: If you're really in the mood for some comedy and can't find anything else except for Dane Cook stand-up, this is worth watching.

The Beastmaster (1982)
I went into this with fuzzy memories at best. There was a panther (I thought) and some ferrets. And a guy in a loincloth who could talk to them. That was about all I remembered. Having rewatched it, I can see why. More than any other movie on this list Beastmaster will have you thinking to yourself, "What were they thinking?" over and over. Rip Torn as the evil necromancer? A hero named Dar? Who immediately strips to his loincloth after seeing his family killed and runs off to avenge them? And then nearly rapes the first woman he lays eyes on? And can talk to any animal but chooses to limit it to just four? Including TWO ferrets? And a tiger (poorly) painted black to look like a panther? What were they thinking?
Final verdict: Yech. About the only thing this movie is good for is being made fun of. Although there's a danger you might die of exhaustion by doing so, since there are almost too many opportunities for that. Steer clear unless you're a group of serious Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans.